10. Jemima Toiletduck and Other Alien Stories

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when battering your opponent with a chicken wasn’t actually listed as a loss of frame ‘fowl’, The RAFA Stingers were more concerned with not cooking their goose. The countdown was on. There were five matches to win to save both themselves and International Stinger Zared from unspeakable torture. If you haven’t grasped the plot yet, it’s probably a bit late for you. If you’re a regular reader – sorry, it really is too late for you. The men in white coats will be round soon.

10. The worrying lack of information coming out of Thailand forced The Stingers into action. Using the known email addresses from previous correspondence, Dog drafted emails to both the kidnappers and to Zared. The Stingers needed to know the status of the bets, how safe Zared was and most importantly, how many times Dean The Hairdresser had been buggered by sweaty 20 stone British tourists. Oh and was there any info on Stinger saboteurs? Chillingly a standard response was received “Win or else you too will experience the ‘night of 1000 pricks’. Dean likes”. Drat, so the Kokbangers hadn’t laid off the bet and called it a day then. The only good news was the lack of apparent saboteurs. Having had half the team kidnapped at some point during the campaign along with other miscellaneous threats, The Stingers quite fancied a clean run at their remaining opponents. The boys were actually looking forward to keeping their noses clean, well, after they’d disposed of the last Graeme Dott sandwiches.

Attendance was at 100% for the visit to Bradwell which was a surprise to anyone who was aware that Mark was driving. Gee opened the scoring but not without a struggle. 1-0. He then faced a bigger struggle – the pub didn’t sell absinthe. Dog fortunately caught him in the bogs just as he was pondering drinking the industrial toilet cleaner. An agreement was reached that he could top up his beer with a couple of voddies and would be rewarded with some white spirit if and when he won his second frame. The shakes appeared to be quelled. Dog hid the toilet cleaner and returned to see Andy dishing up the Peeps top man. 2-0. A good start but the night was about to take a turn for the worst. Andy had to nip off early – some secret services mission or other. Upon his departure, Dog realised the toilet cleaner had also gone. A swift body search revealed all The Stingers were telling the truth – they hadn’t got it – which meant Andy had nipped off for a swift pint of gut-rot. Secret services schmecret schmervices! The pressure really was telling on the boys. Already rattled by the loss of his lift home, Jody proceeded to drop the next frame followed by Jamie landing himself in a snooker yourself on the black moment. 2-2. Luckily Dog was on hand to make it 3-2 and Jamie restored the two frame cushion. Mark was unleashed to put the Stingers within sight of the win (5-2) but Gee was too focused on his white spirit reward and threw in a loss. 5-3. Never fear though, the cunning use of Mark as a second half man only reaped dividends as the sober one sealed the win. The final two frames were shared to the soundtrack of random alcoholics babbling away.

The babbling got worse on the long trek home. Markcabs had worked out a convoluted route that involved depositing Gee outside an off-licence before dropping the rest off. Dog exited the moving vehicle somewhere near Two Mile Ash and Mark, Jamie and Jody were last seen heading towards Deanshanger. Dog was barely changed into his Teletubbies pyjamas when his phone rang.

“Hello Mark, What you forgotten?” asked Dog
“Dog Dog Dog, you’re not going to believe me when I tell you what’s happened, its bad and oh my god, its really…” shouted Mark
“Whoa, calm down son, what is it?” interrupted Dog
“Its Jody, they took Jody and now he’s back and he’s in a bad way” said Mark
“What do you mean, who took him?”
“Some men with white coats. They took him to this spaceship…” cried the increasingly panicked Mark
“Hey, stop there Mark. You boys haven’t been round Andy’s drinking toilet cleaner have you?” enquired Dog
“No, I swear we haven’t. We didn’t even get time for a spliff before they came. It WAS a spaceship Dog. They got him and dragged him away. Rudy did a runner. Then they brought him back and dumped him on the floor. Its bad, he’s had his head cut open and stitched up – they’ve done something to him” said Mark.
“Stay right there, I’m coming round” said Dog, kicking off his fluffy slippers and reaching for his car keys.

Tune in next time to find out what the hell that last bit was all about. Drinking problems, Spaceships, Heads cut open? No, it wasn’t the Stingers last visit to the Champion of Champions.