Thursday 19 April 2007

6. We Cant Take Our Eyes Off The Rottweiler And Kidnapping Combination

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when if your name was Brian you strangely received top marks for not trying, The RAFA Stingers were trying too hard. They were trying to save kidnapped globetrotting Stinger Zared. To achieve this the author of this blog has strangely intertwined saving Zared with winning the Milton Keynes pool league. Despite this being a feat they had achieved a million times previous to 2007 somehow Thai gangsters The Bangkok Kokbangers had got a good price for their £1m wager on such an eventuality. The beauty of fiction eh! Last week the doody had really hit the fan when Leighton Buzzard tribute band KajaMcGoogle had kidnapped the Limahl look-a-like Mark thus causing a shock loss to a bunch considered too ugly to get a part in The Dingle Family. It was quite a good piece of writing actually, you should go back and read it.

6. With Mark in the clutches of some bad people from Bedfordshire, The Stingers spent the week trying to secure his release. The most comforting thing during his days of absence was the assumption that KajaMcGoogle weren’t some rogue UK sleeper cell affiliated to Thai naughty lads The Backalley Boys. The reason for this thinking? Well, if you really wanted to sabotage The Stingers season you’d kidnap one of the good players wouldn’t you? The Stinger think-tank got together and pondered how to get hold of this KajaMawotsit lot. Marks phone was the only known communication channel and it was dead. Several hours of bizarre suggestions from the troops (such as Howling Mad Jody’s pearler “Lets just bomb Leighton Buzzard”) led to nothing. Not even Andy’s secret service connections could help. Dog was on the brink of giving up and had already picked up the yellow pages to seek a replacement player. As he scanned down the ‘Crap Pool Players Who Don’t Have A Team’ listings his attention turned to the opposite page. Jumping off the page under the heading of ‘Crap Pop Tribute Acts’ was an advert for…. KajaMcGoogle.

Tuesday afternoon and The Stingers were leaving it a tad late. The plan was formulated and everyone knew their role. The first fundamental part worked – the KajaMcGoogle tour bus actually turned up. This was a massive relief as the phoney booking for an afternoon gig at The Bletchley Rottweiler Owners Club was at number 1 in the list of ‘things that could go wrong with springing Mark’. At number 2 was ‘Rudy might not be hungry’. Yep, the whole plan revolved around unleashing the power of Rudy The Rottweiler on the unsuspecting fake stars. As the gig kicked into action, The Stingers were surprised to see an unusually large turnout. No advertising had been done for the event, the lads had just hijacked the Over 80’s Tea Dance Club to boost numbers and make it look like a real booking. However, word must have got out about the gig as at least 4 new romantic throwbacks were milling around at the back. Great, KajaMcGoogle had a fan base. The strains of ‘Too Shy’ wafted through the hall to the puzzlement of the octogenarians. Mark’s performance looked forced – as one would expect of an unwilling captive. Just as his strained vocals hit the chorus, Jody shouted the trigger word… GAYS. In a whirl of bloodied limbs, screaming OAPS and missed bassnotes, Mark had been spirited away to the getaway vehicle. As Dog sped off, he caught sight of Rudy and the rest of the team jumping in the 2nd car. But where was Andy?

At the Shack and comparing what they saw, the truth dawned on the Stingers. Gee had seen Andy talking to the New Romantic Throwbacks just prior to the carnage. Jamie had seen two of them grab his arms during the getaway. Jody had also caught a glance of a struggle but unable to help due to being chased by an irate drummer, he only had time to muzzle RTR and jump in getaway car 2. “So then you eejits, we rescue one player and get our Vice Skip kidnapped by another” ranted Dog. “You couldn’t make it up!”.

Weeks 6 match saw some camp lads from Newport Pagnell come to town. The Hustlers had slipped off the ‘winning trophies’ radar by virtue of them never winning. This is one mob that the boys reckoned could have some connection with the Backalley Boys. A second major blow hit the heroes of the piece. No Mervinator. Couple that with no Andy and it meant Dog had to call up a mysterious reserve. The timing of the game was such that everyone present had the pleasure of missing Englands elimination from the 2007 Cricket World Cup. Having invented the game of cricket in 1257, the Stingers were none too pleased, but kept the spirit alive. Dog was bamboozled by an inswinger. 0-1. Jamie saw off a leg break. 1-1. Jody enjoyed a couple of doosra’s, but failed to pass them on for us all to take a puff. 1-2. Mysterious helped The Stingers resemble the England middle order as it went 1-3. A shaken, but not stirred Mark hit through the line for 2-3, whilst Gee lofted one over mid-off (or perhaps over TOBWTMS). 3-3. Jamie hit a boundary (4-3) but Mark was caught playing at a wide one. 4-4. Jody was initially confused by the presence of two Rudy look-alikes, but scampered through for a single. 5-4. Gee was amused by the appearance of Bryan but less pleased at a dodgy lbw decision. 5-5. With the track cutting up, Mark was caught out by a gay daisy cutter which nipped back. 5-6.

Luckily the Stingers were not due back in action for two weeks and hastily began the search for Andy. “Arggggh” screamed Dog. “There’s no category in the Yellow Pages for ‘New Romantic Throwbacks’”.

Friday 13 April 2007

5. Celebrity Fit Club

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Goat was declared the ‘New Chicken’, The RAFA Stingers were unmoved by low fat meat issues. Their main man, Zared (hereafter abbreviated to Z) had been kidnapped in Thailand by The Bangkok Kokbangers (BK). BK placed a £1,000,000 bet on the Stingers winning the league. If they failed, Z gets turned into a ladyboy and BK come after the Stingers for partial repayment. BK’s bookie lays off the bet to the Backalley Boys (BB) who have massive UK influence via sleeper cells like the Pink Punters (PP) and the Botty Liberation Front (BLF). BLF leave a candid message prompting the Stingers to re-sign former figure of fun Rudy The Rottweiler (RTR) as head of security. Emails from Z reveal he had gained the trust of the BK with his hustling ability. Meanwhile the Stingers find out the head of the BLF was none other than Dean the Hairdresser (DTH) from the Cricketers. He was last heard of at Bangkok airport where he failed to board his connection flight to Australia. So what’s the story with the BK v BB? Do the BLF still exist? Where do the PP come into this? Are they all scared of RTR? What happened to DTH? Have we only abbreviated Zared to ‘Z’ because Thais can’t pronounce Z’s or R’s correctly? Can the Stingers save ‘Salad’?

5. There isn’t any salad for a trip to the Vic. A little known fact was that this pub and its players inspired the hit TV show ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. General consensus at the time was that they had actually been the inspiration for the Dingle family in Emmerdale – a mildly successful soap from the early ‘Nought-ies’. Not that anyone watched TV in 2007. Especially not Z. The lad had managed to get an email out during the week leading up to week 5’s game. And if you’ve read 3.01 you’ll know what he had to do to earn that right! Z relayed news of the BK’s activities. He’d heard the BK’s were none too pleased at the BB’s attempts to sabotage the bet. So much so that they had stepped in to snuff out the threat of the BLF. From the snippets of Thai he could understand from his captors, Z was sure that the head of the BLF had been transported to Bangkok and undergone ladyboy operations. If only he knew it was DTH hey readers! He signed off wishing the Stingers luck and warning that although the BLF might have been ‘sorted’ the BK’s were ultra paranoid about the numerous other BB connections in the UK might try to intervene in the title charge.

So to the match. A handy opening had seen Winston Dingle, Sam Dingle, Shiny Dingle and Zack Dingle disposed of early doors. But something was not right. The Magic Hedgehog – Mark – was even later than normal. A sick Jody was called upon but worry started to creep in when the hallucinogenic contents of his medication kicked in a little too early. The boy was so confused he started striking the centre of the white ball. Disaster. Worse was to follow. Mark was contacted by phone. His voice was strangely distant. Had he just woken up? As the conversation with his skipper continued it became clear that his words were being dictated to him. Had Mrs Mark got a grip on his goolies? Unlikely – his voice was still low enough to rule out testicular interference. Was this actually Mark or a voice recording of his favourite sayings? Some of the answers suggested that – “I’ll be there at 8.30”, “Have you got enough players?”, “Can’t you get my Dad to play?” – but other utterings suggested otherwise, especially “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a round when I get there”. The conversation ended abruptly. The Stingers weren’t happy with this and were sure something was going down. The sharply tuned ears of Gee got on the case. After 10 attempts he got through to Marks mobile. He too was met by garbled answers. Some were hard to make out due to fairly loud music in the background. Then something freaky occurred. A different voice came on the line and declared “We have him now. And we’re keeping him. ha ha ha ha”. Just before the line went dead, Gee was sure he heard Mark scream the words “Leighton Buzzard”. What could it all mean?

The worry of another missing hero affected the match. The Vic, aided mostly by Sam Dingle and I Have A Very Small Dingle, got all the run and won. Shit. But there were larger issues to resolve. With the BLF sorted, who would take Mark? Was this a new bunch of desperados? Were they known to the BK’s? Would they be after more Stingers? Suddenly, Gee jumped to his feet. “Dog, I think I’ve got it – the music gave it away”. Gee outlined his thoughts on who had Mark. The music in the background was the catchy 80’s Number 1 hit ‘Too Shy’. It was not being played from a CD – it was a live band playing it. Mark was being held in Leighton Buzzard. It’s OBVIOUS! Mark had been kidnapped by Bedfordshire’s finest pop exports Kajagoogoo due to his likeness to lead singer Limahl.

“Great thinking Gee” said Dog. “But I fear it’s worse than that. All the members of Kajagoogoo have long since left Leighton Buzzard for sunnier climes. If my instincts are correct, he’s been picked up by their tribute band…

…. KajaMcGoogle”

Needless to say, you’ll have to come back next week to read more. Unless you’re wayyyyyy behind with your reading, in which case the next article is above.

Wednesday 4 April 2007

4. Do You Have This In Large Print?

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when joy riding your frigate in Iranian waters was a bad idea, The RAFA Stingers were unconcerned with matters of naval kidnapping. Those magnificent men in their flying machines were desperately trying to win a 4th consecutive league title to secure the release of their kidnapped ‘Man in Havana’ (editors note: Man in Chiang Mai, get an atlas dude). Full plot, sub-plot, sub-sub-plot and, if such a word exists, sub-sub-sub-plot can be found in previous postings. Even if you read it you probably won’t have a clue what’s going on…

4. Sinister stuff. To give some background about how this blog came into being – in 2015 a risky mission in deepest darkest Bletchley led the Stingers back to their old haunt. Howling Mad Jody would not be calmed until he had broken into the derelict shack that was once the Royal Air Force Association Club. He was adamant (as in ‘convinced’ rather than the painted 80’s singer ‘Adam Ant’) that he had lost a tip there in 2009. Surprisingly the company that used to produce 3mm Buffalo Pig Alligator Donkey Skin tips (AKA 4 Skin tips) had gone bust, so it was deemed a worthwhile use of an afternoon. Whilst Jody carried out a finger tip search of the dusty ruin, the rest of the Stingers mulled around admiring the rusting trophies that invariably belonged to them. An impromptu game of pool seemed a good idea, except for the fact that the table had to be rebuilt first. Just as the lads were about to place the warped slate onto the rickety body, Dog stopped proceedings. There in the innards of the table was something he’d thought he’d never see again – The Stinger Results Tome. This manky old yellow paged book provided every result from, errr, the beginning until 2010. Complete with notes of a miscellaneous nature – Marks out of 10 for the team groupies, Record times for the 8 Spirit Challenge etc – this compendium provides the back-bone for this blog.

So where did 3.02 go? This is the sinister part. Leafing back to the well thumbed 2007 season chapter, there’s half a page missing. At the top is written “3.02 – Singles week 2” and underneath is written the word “FRANK” in huge letters. With notes on subsequent pages revealing Dog was steaming drunk for the duration of March 2007, it could have meant anything. You’ll just have to read on to find out whether it’s a relevant sub-sub-sub-sub plot or a herring of a reddish hue.

Anyway, where is the story at the moment? Ah yes, season 2007 week 4 and the Stingers descended on The Cricketers for perhaps their toughest test yet. A few weeks earlier the lads had received a mysterious hand-written message from a mob called ‘The Botty Liberation Front’. An eerie silence had followed it. There had been no ‘offer’. No communication, nothing. Could these gimps have been scared off by the addition of a Rottweiler to the Stinger’s security? Could they be biding their time waiting for the right moment to make a move? Could the Kokbangers have already snuffed out this particular threat to ensure a free run at the title for the Stingers? One things for sure – lose this game and both the bet and Zared’s dangly bits were in danger.

Dog somehow gets a second chance after rattling a simple one. 1-0. Jamie also goes in for a bit of ‘easy ball rattling’ but similarly gets away with it. 2-0. Hell, even Mark decides he’ll throw in the odd miss and, yep you’ve guessed it, he got away with it. 3-0. Andy’s opponent doesn’t subscribe to ‘Three Chance Tuesday’ magazine. It’s thought his chosen reading was ‘Dish Up Daily’. 3-1. Gee’s favoured literature (‘How To Cling On Bravely to Your 100% Record and Other Short Stories’) was found to have been due back at the library last week. 3-2 and a nominal fine. Jody, fresh from reading and forgetting the content of ‘Plain Ball Monthly’, takes out a finish when it’s presented and its 4-2. Jamie went to school in Bletchley so cannot read. So his choice of book was the ‘Position By Numbers Colouring Book’. 5-2. Mark didn’t get a chance to thumb through his literary choice – ‘Two Shots On Your Last Ball Means You Should Win Numpty’ – as it was inserted somewhere he couldn’t see. Sideways. 5-3. Dog puts the books back on the shelf and falls over the line. 6-3. Gee offers them all outside – they decline – so he wins instead. 7-3. Jody just showboats. Plain Ball Monthly my arse. 8-3.

And so the title tilt continued apace. The Cricketers declared they would have won if they had their full squad. Unfortunately, Dean the Hairdresser had fled the country a few weeks previous. He departed very quickly for Australia one morning leaving only an IOU for, well, everything he owed really. He’d also kindly left a “Beat them bloody Stingers” message for his team which now sat forlornly on the notice board being mocked by random Stingers. Apart from one eagle eyed RAFA-ite who noticed the handwriting was familiar… Bolton was the Botty Liberation Boy. Chapdog’s contacts at Heathrow confirmed a fella with his trousers halfway down his arse had boarded a flight to Oz two weeks earlier. The same passenger however had not reached the destination and was thought to have failed to re-board after the Bangkok stop over! The plot thickens…