5. Celebrity Fit Club

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Goat was declared the ‘New Chicken’, The RAFA Stingers were unmoved by low fat meat issues. Their main man, Zared (hereafter abbreviated to Z) had been kidnapped in Thailand by The Bangkok Kokbangers (BK). BK placed a £1,000,000 bet on the Stingers winning the league. If they failed, Z gets turned into a ladyboy and BK come after the Stingers for partial repayment. BK’s bookie lays off the bet to the Backalley Boys (BB) who have massive UK influence via sleeper cells like the Pink Punters (PP) and the Botty Liberation Front (BLF). BLF leave a candid message prompting the Stingers to re-sign former figure of fun Rudy The Rottweiler (RTR) as head of security. Emails from Z reveal he had gained the trust of the BK with his hustling ability. Meanwhile the Stingers find out the head of the BLF was none other than Dean the Hairdresser (DTH) from the Cricketers. He was last heard of at Bangkok airport where he failed to board his connection flight to Australia. So what’s the story with the BK v BB? Do the BLF still exist? Where do the PP come into this? Are they all scared of RTR? What happened to DTH? Have we only abbreviated Zared to ‘Z’ because Thais can’t pronounce Z’s or R’s correctly? Can the Stingers save ‘Salad’?

5. There isn’t any salad for a trip to the Vic. A little known fact was that this pub and its players inspired the hit TV show ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. General consensus at the time was that they had actually been the inspiration for the Dingle family in Emmerdale – a mildly successful soap from the early ‘Nought-ies’. Not that anyone watched TV in 2007. Especially not Z. The lad had managed to get an email out during the week leading up to week 5’s game. And if you’ve read 3.01 you’ll know what he had to do to earn that right! Z relayed news of the BK’s activities. He’d heard the BK’s were none too pleased at the BB’s attempts to sabotage the bet. So much so that they had stepped in to snuff out the threat of the BLF. From the snippets of Thai he could understand from his captors, Z was sure that the head of the BLF had been transported to Bangkok and undergone ladyboy operations. If only he knew it was DTH hey readers! He signed off wishing the Stingers luck and warning that although the BLF might have been ‘sorted’ the BK’s were ultra paranoid about the numerous other BB connections in the UK might try to intervene in the title charge.

So to the match. A handy opening had seen Winston Dingle, Sam Dingle, Shiny Dingle and Zack Dingle disposed of early doors. But something was not right. The Magic Hedgehog – Mark – was even later than normal. A sick Jody was called upon but worry started to creep in when the hallucinogenic contents of his medication kicked in a little too early. The boy was so confused he started striking the centre of the white ball. Disaster. Worse was to follow. Mark was contacted by phone. His voice was strangely distant. Had he just woken up? As the conversation with his skipper continued it became clear that his words were being dictated to him. Had Mrs Mark got a grip on his goolies? Unlikely – his voice was still low enough to rule out testicular interference. Was this actually Mark or a voice recording of his favourite sayings? Some of the answers suggested that – “I’ll be there at 8.30”, “Have you got enough players?”, “Can’t you get my Dad to play?” – but other utterings suggested otherwise, especially “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a round when I get there”. The conversation ended abruptly. The Stingers weren’t happy with this and were sure something was going down. The sharply tuned ears of Gee got on the case. After 10 attempts he got through to Marks mobile. He too was met by garbled answers. Some were hard to make out due to fairly loud music in the background. Then something freaky occurred. A different voice came on the line and declared “We have him now. And we’re keeping him. ha ha ha ha”. Just before the line went dead, Gee was sure he heard Mark scream the words “Leighton Buzzard”. What could it all mean?

The worry of another missing hero affected the match. The Vic, aided mostly by Sam Dingle and I Have A Very Small Dingle, got all the run and won. Shit. But there were larger issues to resolve. With the BLF sorted, who would take Mark? Was this a new bunch of desperados? Were they known to the BK’s? Would they be after more Stingers? Suddenly, Gee jumped to his feet. “Dog, I think I’ve got it – the music gave it away”. Gee outlined his thoughts on who had Mark. The music in the background was the catchy 80’s Number 1 hit ‘Too Shy’. It was not being played from a CD – it was a live band playing it. Mark was being held in Leighton Buzzard. It’s OBVIOUS! Mark had been kidnapped by Bedfordshire’s finest pop exports Kajagoogoo due to his likeness to lead singer Limahl.

“Great thinking Gee” said Dog. “But I fear it’s worse than that. All the members of Kajagoogoo have long since left Leighton Buzzard for sunnier climes. If my instincts are correct, he’s been picked up by their tribute band…

…. KajaMcGoogle”

Needless to say, you’ll have to come back next week to read more. Unless you’re wayyyyyy behind with your reading, in which case the next article is above.