In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when smoking in public places was still allowed, The Stingers were unconcerned with where they could indulge in their nicotine addiction. There were far greater matters to see to: Saving Zared from ladyboy prostitution, Disposing of the ex-world snooker champion corpses, Keeping a bloody eye out for suspicious dudes who want to kidnap random Stingers and last but not least keeping Jody away from the jukebox at home games.
9. It had been three whole weeks since the Red House had been thrashed 11-0. Very little had happened in that time – alarmingly little in fact. On the playing front a solitary cup game had been won 6-0. With no indication as to whether the Bangkok Kokbangers had also wagered on a Stinger success in this competition, the boys assumed the best and played without fear. And without Mark. But that was nothing new – the boy was well on his way to his first million with his successful property deals and too busy for pool. He just had the sales knack. Word has it he managed to rent out a house on the Lakes Estate once. Of the other Stingers, Andy was back and had been placated. Deep down he was still not impressed with the Stingers using Graeme Dott as a body double. But having given up in his attempt to kidnap slightly cooler snooker star Mark Selby (it got a bit boring crouched behind bushes in his Selby’s garden for hours on end), Andy returned empty handed and hit the bottle to forget his own kidnapping ordeal. Also using alcohol as a method of forgetting were Gee and Dog. Gee drank to blot out the memory of discovering and subsequently disposing of the body of Dott whilst Dog drank because it helped keep the voices in his head quiet. For a little while at least. Jody, of course, hadn’t been sober since 1979 although his Jack Daniels consumption was slightly down due to having to share it with his pet dog. Rudy the red nose what?
The 9th league match of the campaign saw The RAFA Stingers return to the Shack after several weeks absence. The Mervinator had readied the playing surface to the sufficiently high standard demanded by the Stinger desperados. The nights opponents were a curious bunch. Hailing from Roman Park Residents Association – a notoriously rough watering hole in the wastelands of Bancroft – they were led by future prime minister Sludge Hummer III. Sludgey was a strongly opinionated young man even back then. His forthright views on Britain’s political and economical climate enthralled the Shacks regulars throughout the night. Unfortunately, where history shows that the Sludgester appointed a talented collection of minds to his first cabinet, the same could not be said for his pool team. Gee was first into the debating forum and battered Sludgey with antidisestablishmentarian theory. 1-0 to the Stingers it may have been, but Sludgeys sponge-like mind took in the newly imparted knowledge and he would one day publicly thank Gee following a House of Commons debate on the Church of England.
Andy’s political view point was much simpler. Pot the friggin’ black and be done with it. 2-0. Jody, needless to say, harboured extreme political views. Extreme left, extreme right, extreme bloody everything. When he finally remembered that ‘centre-down-the-middle’ stuff was the way to appease the majority, he stumbled over the line. 3-0. Dog was rather disillusioned with the whole political scene. Having had his potential OBE taken away some years earlier for his alleged participation in the Trumpton Riots, he blotted out the background conversation and took out a dish. 4-0. Jamie, fresh from winning the first of 17 (and counting) national titles, arrived in time to bag a 5th frame, although The Mervinator may have been a better a bet – triple hernia and all. With the Stingers on a 22 frame winning streak, it was inevitable that some smart alec would mention it and inflict the curse. Gee was the cursed man staring down the barrel of a first ever 10-Gee. Could the Stingers do it the new boy? Dog 6-1. Andy 7-1. Jody 8-1. Kevin – brother of Paris and heir to a hotel chain – stepped in to avoid any of the other useless tools having to play three. 9-1. Jamie wrapped up the 10-Gee by referring the right honourable gentleman to his previous frame.
“Unlucky Gee” sympathised Captain Dog with a mouthful of cheesy pizza.
“Sorry skip” replied Gee. “It’s been a tough week, what with having to dispose of Dotts body”.
“That’s OK Gee, at least that’s over – good old Ahmed at Perfect Pizza eh! What would we have done without his meat grinder?” smirked Dog.
“Yeah, top bloke Ahmed, bit mental though – what kind of sicko uses chopped up human flesh on their pizzas? Must taste awful”
“Yeah, cant be too appetizing. But they say it tastes like Pork” said Dog.
“Say, Sludgey, how’s your team liking that 15 inch Meat Eater?” shouted Gee across the room. “Good meat?”
Tune in next week when The Stingers feed Bernard Matthews to some hungry Turkeys. Just for a laugh.
Wednesday 30 May 2007
Wednesday 9 May 2007
8. Nolan Rat Visits NewportDisney
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?
8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.
Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.
On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.
Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?
8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.
Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.
On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.
Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.
Thursday 3 May 2007
7. Baht's Entertainment
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when kidnapping rent boys was the in-thing with fallen 80’s pop stars, The RAFA Stingers had finally had enough of the kidnapping phenomenon (and just about enough of fallen 80's pop stars too). International Stinger Zared had been kidnapped by Thai hardnuts The Bangkok Kokbangers, Limahl-a-like Mark had recently been rescued from clutches of tribute band KajaMcGoogle and to top it all off Andy was now being held captive by some New Romantic Throwbacks. Karma Chamelon indeed.
7. Two weeks since his disappearance and there was no sign of Andy and no contact from his kidnappers. The Stingers hadn’t just been sitting around toking on a joint all that time, no sir’ee, they were up and about looking for him. Mark was ordered to attend Pink Punters and put his feelers out. Obviously it was too dangerous to let him out in normal attire – didn’t want the boy wonder getting snatched again did we – so he bravely donned a dress, shaved his legs and ventured out as ‘Mary’. Unfortunately the only information gleaned from the exercise was that Mark/Mary had ‘a nice butt’ – courtesy of a bloke called Linda. Jody was also on the case. He was delegated the task of surfing the internets less savoury sites in the hope of finding some link between this New Romantic mob and gay culture. But that all ended in tears when Rudy ate his PC. Dog and Gee just sat around talking at cross purposes about back ache. Gee gave highly specific medical advice coupled with suggested exercise routines to strengthen various muscles. Dog was just wangling for a good old massage. In between the body talk they did agree that they needed a cunning contingency plan for being Andyless come the next match night.
And so match night came. The only piece of communication received in the days leading up to the seventh league game of the season was an email from one of the Bangkok Kokbangers henchmen Atto Khoppanobba. Dog relayed the gist of it to the troops: “They’re concerned about our recent unlucky losses and remind us that big money is a stake. They have given us the best chance possible by eliminating the threat of the Botty Liberation Front and demand a return on their investment”. “Phew, that’s heavy Dog” said Gee, “Any good news?”. “Funny you should mention that Gee, there is a PS at the bottom which indicates Dean The Hairdresser has had a ladyboy operation and is currently prostituting his body for a couple of Baht”.
With that piece of imagery firmly in the Stingers head, the match commenced with two defeats. The cautious start might have also been down to the stroke about to be pulled. A few days earlier Gee had encountered a sorry sight whilst on business in Sheffield. A disconsolate figure was sat on a park bench swigging Special Brew. Gee’s mind went back to just a few months earlier when he was homeless himself and sleeping underneath the table at the RAFA. Approaching the man to give him a fiver he became aware that it wasn’t some smelly tramp but Graeme Dott, the former world snooker champ. Gee did what any caring cue-sports fan would do – he bundled him in the boot of his motor and told him he was playing pool on Tuesday night in the Milton Keynes league. And so frame 3 got underway Graeme Dott v That bloke from the muppetts, darn, what’s his name? Anyways, The Stingers weren’t so silly to tip off the opposition that they had a top notch new signing. No they were much cleverer than that and simply dressed the Dottmeister up in Andys clothes, stuck an Andy mask on him and wrote down Andy on the card. Oh and told him not to speak in that stupid squeaky voice of his. Job done. Except he barely got a shot and was soon back in his chair – all a bit too much like the 2007 worlds for his liking. 0-3 and as bad starts go, this was as bad as it could be. But a swift reminder of the real threat posed by the Kokbangers soon inspired the lads and Jamie, Gee and Mark levelled it. Jamie fell just short of putting the Stingers in the lead but Jody soon had it back to level pegging. Gee and Mark repeated their earlier heroics and that would be that. Except for a Dott 1 visit cameo in the last. Which he lost. Oh well, at least he wasn’t rumbled. See kids, it doesn’t pay to bring in big name players ;)
So two points in the bag, one missing vice skip and the dilemma of what to do with a certain Scottish cueman. If only there was a way of killing two birds with one stone. If only…
Tune in next week when we introduce another puzzling sub-plot into the storyline for no other reason than to make you forget all the other sub-plots that we haven’t put to bed yet.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when kidnapping rent boys was the in-thing with fallen 80’s pop stars, The RAFA Stingers had finally had enough of the kidnapping phenomenon (and just about enough of fallen 80's pop stars too). International Stinger Zared had been kidnapped by Thai hardnuts The Bangkok Kokbangers, Limahl-a-like Mark had recently been rescued from clutches of tribute band KajaMcGoogle and to top it all off Andy was now being held captive by some New Romantic Throwbacks. Karma Chamelon indeed.
7. Two weeks since his disappearance and there was no sign of Andy and no contact from his kidnappers. The Stingers hadn’t just been sitting around toking on a joint all that time, no sir’ee, they were up and about looking for him. Mark was ordered to attend Pink Punters and put his feelers out. Obviously it was too dangerous to let him out in normal attire – didn’t want the boy wonder getting snatched again did we – so he bravely donned a dress, shaved his legs and ventured out as ‘Mary’. Unfortunately the only information gleaned from the exercise was that Mark/Mary had ‘a nice butt’ – courtesy of a bloke called Linda. Jody was also on the case. He was delegated the task of surfing the internets less savoury sites in the hope of finding some link between this New Romantic mob and gay culture. But that all ended in tears when Rudy ate his PC. Dog and Gee just sat around talking at cross purposes about back ache. Gee gave highly specific medical advice coupled with suggested exercise routines to strengthen various muscles. Dog was just wangling for a good old massage. In between the body talk they did agree that they needed a cunning contingency plan for being Andyless come the next match night.
And so match night came. The only piece of communication received in the days leading up to the seventh league game of the season was an email from one of the Bangkok Kokbangers henchmen Atto Khoppanobba. Dog relayed the gist of it to the troops: “They’re concerned about our recent unlucky losses and remind us that big money is a stake. They have given us the best chance possible by eliminating the threat of the Botty Liberation Front and demand a return on their investment”. “Phew, that’s heavy Dog” said Gee, “Any good news?”. “Funny you should mention that Gee, there is a PS at the bottom which indicates Dean The Hairdresser has had a ladyboy operation and is currently prostituting his body for a couple of Baht”.
With that piece of imagery firmly in the Stingers head, the match commenced with two defeats. The cautious start might have also been down to the stroke about to be pulled. A few days earlier Gee had encountered a sorry sight whilst on business in Sheffield. A disconsolate figure was sat on a park bench swigging Special Brew. Gee’s mind went back to just a few months earlier when he was homeless himself and sleeping underneath the table at the RAFA. Approaching the man to give him a fiver he became aware that it wasn’t some smelly tramp but Graeme Dott, the former world snooker champ. Gee did what any caring cue-sports fan would do – he bundled him in the boot of his motor and told him he was playing pool on Tuesday night in the Milton Keynes league. And so frame 3 got underway Graeme Dott v That bloke from the muppetts, darn, what’s his name? Anyways, The Stingers weren’t so silly to tip off the opposition that they had a top notch new signing. No they were much cleverer than that and simply dressed the Dottmeister up in Andys clothes, stuck an Andy mask on him and wrote down Andy on the card. Oh and told him not to speak in that stupid squeaky voice of his. Job done. Except he barely got a shot and was soon back in his chair – all a bit too much like the 2007 worlds for his liking. 0-3 and as bad starts go, this was as bad as it could be. But a swift reminder of the real threat posed by the Kokbangers soon inspired the lads and Jamie, Gee and Mark levelled it. Jamie fell just short of putting the Stingers in the lead but Jody soon had it back to level pegging. Gee and Mark repeated their earlier heroics and that would be that. Except for a Dott 1 visit cameo in the last. Which he lost. Oh well, at least he wasn’t rumbled. See kids, it doesn’t pay to bring in big name players ;)
So two points in the bag, one missing vice skip and the dilemma of what to do with a certain Scottish cueman. If only there was a way of killing two birds with one stone. If only…
Tune in next week when we introduce another puzzling sub-plot into the storyline for no other reason than to make you forget all the other sub-plots that we haven’t put to bed yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)