9. Keep Mrs Honeyman Right Out Of Sight

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when smoking in public places was still allowed, The Stingers were unconcerned with where they could indulge in their nicotine addiction. There were far greater matters to see to: Saving Zared from ladyboy prostitution, Disposing of the ex-world snooker champion corpses, Keeping a bloody eye out for suspicious dudes who want to kidnap random Stingers and last but not least keeping Jody away from the jukebox at home games.

9. It had been three whole weeks since the Red House had been thrashed 11-0. Very little had happened in that time – alarmingly little in fact. On the playing front a solitary cup game had been won 6-0. With no indication as to whether the Bangkok Kokbangers had also wagered on a Stinger success in this competition, the boys assumed the best and played without fear. And without Mark. But that was nothing new – the boy was well on his way to his first million with his successful property deals and too busy for pool. He just had the sales knack. Word has it he managed to rent out a house on the Lakes Estate once. Of the other Stingers, Andy was back and had been placated. Deep down he was still not impressed with the Stingers using Graeme Dott as a body double. But having given up in his attempt to kidnap slightly cooler snooker star Mark Selby (it got a bit boring crouched behind bushes in his Selby’s garden for hours on end), Andy returned empty handed and hit the bottle to forget his own kidnapping ordeal. Also using alcohol as a method of forgetting were Gee and Dog. Gee drank to blot out the memory of discovering and subsequently disposing of the body of Dott whilst Dog drank because it helped keep the voices in his head quiet. For a little while at least. Jody, of course, hadn’t been sober since 1979 although his Jack Daniels consumption was slightly down due to having to share it with his pet dog. Rudy the red nose what?

The 9th league match of the campaign saw The RAFA Stingers return to the Shack after several weeks absence. The Mervinator had readied the playing surface to the sufficiently high standard demanded by the Stinger desperados. The nights opponents were a curious bunch. Hailing from Roman Park Residents Association – a notoriously rough watering hole in the wastelands of Bancroft – they were led by future prime minister Sludge Hummer III. Sludgey was a strongly opinionated young man even back then. His forthright views on Britain’s political and economical climate enthralled the Shacks regulars throughout the night. Unfortunately, where history shows that the Sludgester appointed a talented collection of minds to his first cabinet, the same could not be said for his pool team. Gee was first into the debating forum and battered Sludgey with antidisestablishmentarian theory. 1-0 to the Stingers it may have been, but Sludgeys sponge-like mind took in the newly imparted knowledge and he would one day publicly thank Gee following a House of Commons debate on the Church of England.

Andy’s political view point was much simpler. Pot the friggin’ black and be done with it. 2-0. Jody, needless to say, harboured extreme political views. Extreme left, extreme right, extreme bloody everything. When he finally remembered that ‘centre-down-the-middle’ stuff was the way to appease the majority, he stumbled over the line. 3-0. Dog was rather disillusioned with the whole political scene. Having had his potential OBE taken away some years earlier for his alleged participation in the Trumpton Riots, he blotted out the background conversation and took out a dish. 4-0. Jamie, fresh from winning the first of 17 (and counting) national titles, arrived in time to bag a 5th frame, although The Mervinator may have been a better a bet – triple hernia and all. With the Stingers on a 22 frame winning streak, it was inevitable that some smart alec would mention it and inflict the curse. Gee was the cursed man staring down the barrel of a first ever 10-Gee. Could the Stingers do it the new boy? Dog 6-1. Andy 7-1. Jody 8-1. Kevin – brother of Paris and heir to a hotel chain – stepped in to avoid any of the other useless tools having to play three. 9-1. Jamie wrapped up the 10-Gee by referring the right honourable gentleman to his previous frame.

“Unlucky Gee” sympathised Captain Dog with a mouthful of cheesy pizza.
“Sorry skip” replied Gee. “It’s been a tough week, what with having to dispose of Dotts body”.
“That’s OK Gee, at least that’s over – good old Ahmed at Perfect Pizza eh! What would we have done without his meat grinder?” smirked Dog.
“Yeah, top bloke Ahmed, bit mental though – what kind of sicko uses chopped up human flesh on their pizzas? Must taste awful”
“Yeah, cant be too appetizing. But they say it tastes like Pork” said Dog.
“Say, Sludgey, how’s your team liking that 15 inch Meat Eater?” shouted Gee across the room. “Good meat?”

Tune in next week when The Stingers feed Bernard Matthews to some hungry Turkeys. Just for a laugh.