8. Nolan Rat Visits NewportDisney

In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.

The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?

8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.

Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.

On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.

Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.