Dear Readers,
You may or may not have noticed the abrupt end to this story. The Kokbangers won. They got their man (or should that be ladyboy). Some of the gang got away. The Dog cunningly changed his name to The Doggy and moved here:-
http://itslikeadesertinhere.blogspot.com/
Monday 10 March 2008
Wednesday 6 June 2007
10. Jemima Toiletduck and Other Alien Stories
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when battering your opponent with a chicken wasn’t actually listed as a loss of frame ‘fowl’, The RAFA Stingers were more concerned with not cooking their goose. The countdown was on. There were five matches to win to save both themselves and International Stinger Zared from unspeakable torture. If you haven’t grasped the plot yet, it’s probably a bit late for you. If you’re a regular reader – sorry, it really is too late for you. The men in white coats will be round soon.
10. The worrying lack of information coming out of Thailand forced The Stingers into action. Using the known email addresses from previous correspondence, Dog drafted emails to both the kidnappers and to Zared. The Stingers needed to know the status of the bets, how safe Zared was and most importantly, how many times Dean The Hairdresser had been buggered by sweaty 20 stone British tourists. Oh and was there any info on Stinger saboteurs? Chillingly a standard response was received “Win or else you too will experience the ‘night of 1000 pricks’. Dean likes”. Drat, so the Kokbangers hadn’t laid off the bet and called it a day then. The only good news was the lack of apparent saboteurs. Having had half the team kidnapped at some point during the campaign along with other miscellaneous threats, The Stingers quite fancied a clean run at their remaining opponents. The boys were actually looking forward to keeping their noses clean, well, after they’d disposed of the last Graeme Dott sandwiches.
Attendance was at 100% for the visit to Bradwell which was a surprise to anyone who was aware that Mark was driving. Gee opened the scoring but not without a struggle. 1-0. He then faced a bigger struggle – the pub didn’t sell absinthe. Dog fortunately caught him in the bogs just as he was pondering drinking the industrial toilet cleaner. An agreement was reached that he could top up his beer with a couple of voddies and would be rewarded with some white spirit if and when he won his second frame. The shakes appeared to be quelled. Dog hid the toilet cleaner and returned to see Andy dishing up the Peeps top man. 2-0. A good start but the night was about to take a turn for the worst. Andy had to nip off early – some secret services mission or other. Upon his departure, Dog realised the toilet cleaner had also gone. A swift body search revealed all The Stingers were telling the truth – they hadn’t got it – which meant Andy had nipped off for a swift pint of gut-rot. Secret services schmecret schmervices! The pressure really was telling on the boys. Already rattled by the loss of his lift home, Jody proceeded to drop the next frame followed by Jamie landing himself in a snooker yourself on the black moment. 2-2. Luckily Dog was on hand to make it 3-2 and Jamie restored the two frame cushion. Mark was unleashed to put the Stingers within sight of the win (5-2) but Gee was too focused on his white spirit reward and threw in a loss. 5-3. Never fear though, the cunning use of Mark as a second half man only reaped dividends as the sober one sealed the win. The final two frames were shared to the soundtrack of random alcoholics babbling away.
The babbling got worse on the long trek home. Markcabs had worked out a convoluted route that involved depositing Gee outside an off-licence before dropping the rest off. Dog exited the moving vehicle somewhere near Two Mile Ash and Mark, Jamie and Jody were last seen heading towards Deanshanger. Dog was barely changed into his Teletubbies pyjamas when his phone rang.
“Hello Mark, What you forgotten?” asked Dog
“Dog Dog Dog, you’re not going to believe me when I tell you what’s happened, its bad and oh my god, its really…” shouted Mark
“Whoa, calm down son, what is it?” interrupted Dog
“Its Jody, they took Jody and now he’s back and he’s in a bad way” said Mark
“What do you mean, who took him?”
“Some men with white coats. They took him to this spaceship…” cried the increasingly panicked Mark
“Hey, stop there Mark. You boys haven’t been round Andy’s drinking toilet cleaner have you?” enquired Dog
“No, I swear we haven’t. We didn’t even get time for a spliff before they came. It WAS a spaceship Dog. They got him and dragged him away. Rudy did a runner. Then they brought him back and dumped him on the floor. Its bad, he’s had his head cut open and stitched up – they’ve done something to him” said Mark.
“Stay right there, I’m coming round” said Dog, kicking off his fluffy slippers and reaching for his car keys.
Tune in next time to find out what the hell that last bit was all about. Drinking problems, Spaceships, Heads cut open? No, it wasn’t the Stingers last visit to the Champion of Champions.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when battering your opponent with a chicken wasn’t actually listed as a loss of frame ‘fowl’, The RAFA Stingers were more concerned with not cooking their goose. The countdown was on. There were five matches to win to save both themselves and International Stinger Zared from unspeakable torture. If you haven’t grasped the plot yet, it’s probably a bit late for you. If you’re a regular reader – sorry, it really is too late for you. The men in white coats will be round soon.
10. The worrying lack of information coming out of Thailand forced The Stingers into action. Using the known email addresses from previous correspondence, Dog drafted emails to both the kidnappers and to Zared. The Stingers needed to know the status of the bets, how safe Zared was and most importantly, how many times Dean The Hairdresser had been buggered by sweaty 20 stone British tourists. Oh and was there any info on Stinger saboteurs? Chillingly a standard response was received “Win or else you too will experience the ‘night of 1000 pricks’. Dean likes”. Drat, so the Kokbangers hadn’t laid off the bet and called it a day then. The only good news was the lack of apparent saboteurs. Having had half the team kidnapped at some point during the campaign along with other miscellaneous threats, The Stingers quite fancied a clean run at their remaining opponents. The boys were actually looking forward to keeping their noses clean, well, after they’d disposed of the last Graeme Dott sandwiches.
Attendance was at 100% for the visit to Bradwell which was a surprise to anyone who was aware that Mark was driving. Gee opened the scoring but not without a struggle. 1-0. He then faced a bigger struggle – the pub didn’t sell absinthe. Dog fortunately caught him in the bogs just as he was pondering drinking the industrial toilet cleaner. An agreement was reached that he could top up his beer with a couple of voddies and would be rewarded with some white spirit if and when he won his second frame. The shakes appeared to be quelled. Dog hid the toilet cleaner and returned to see Andy dishing up the Peeps top man. 2-0. A good start but the night was about to take a turn for the worst. Andy had to nip off early – some secret services mission or other. Upon his departure, Dog realised the toilet cleaner had also gone. A swift body search revealed all The Stingers were telling the truth – they hadn’t got it – which meant Andy had nipped off for a swift pint of gut-rot. Secret services schmecret schmervices! The pressure really was telling on the boys. Already rattled by the loss of his lift home, Jody proceeded to drop the next frame followed by Jamie landing himself in a snooker yourself on the black moment. 2-2. Luckily Dog was on hand to make it 3-2 and Jamie restored the two frame cushion. Mark was unleashed to put the Stingers within sight of the win (5-2) but Gee was too focused on his white spirit reward and threw in a loss. 5-3. Never fear though, the cunning use of Mark as a second half man only reaped dividends as the sober one sealed the win. The final two frames were shared to the soundtrack of random alcoholics babbling away.
The babbling got worse on the long trek home. Markcabs had worked out a convoluted route that involved depositing Gee outside an off-licence before dropping the rest off. Dog exited the moving vehicle somewhere near Two Mile Ash and Mark, Jamie and Jody were last seen heading towards Deanshanger. Dog was barely changed into his Teletubbies pyjamas when his phone rang.
“Hello Mark, What you forgotten?” asked Dog
“Dog Dog Dog, you’re not going to believe me when I tell you what’s happened, its bad and oh my god, its really…” shouted Mark
“Whoa, calm down son, what is it?” interrupted Dog
“Its Jody, they took Jody and now he’s back and he’s in a bad way” said Mark
“What do you mean, who took him?”
“Some men with white coats. They took him to this spaceship…” cried the increasingly panicked Mark
“Hey, stop there Mark. You boys haven’t been round Andy’s drinking toilet cleaner have you?” enquired Dog
“No, I swear we haven’t. We didn’t even get time for a spliff before they came. It WAS a spaceship Dog. They got him and dragged him away. Rudy did a runner. Then they brought him back and dumped him on the floor. Its bad, he’s had his head cut open and stitched up – they’ve done something to him” said Mark.
“Stay right there, I’m coming round” said Dog, kicking off his fluffy slippers and reaching for his car keys.
Tune in next time to find out what the hell that last bit was all about. Drinking problems, Spaceships, Heads cut open? No, it wasn’t the Stingers last visit to the Champion of Champions.
Wednesday 30 May 2007
9. Keep Mrs Honeyman Right Out Of Sight
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when smoking in public places was still allowed, The Stingers were unconcerned with where they could indulge in their nicotine addiction. There were far greater matters to see to: Saving Zared from ladyboy prostitution, Disposing of the ex-world snooker champion corpses, Keeping a bloody eye out for suspicious dudes who want to kidnap random Stingers and last but not least keeping Jody away from the jukebox at home games.
9. It had been three whole weeks since the Red House had been thrashed 11-0. Very little had happened in that time – alarmingly little in fact. On the playing front a solitary cup game had been won 6-0. With no indication as to whether the Bangkok Kokbangers had also wagered on a Stinger success in this competition, the boys assumed the best and played without fear. And without Mark. But that was nothing new – the boy was well on his way to his first million with his successful property deals and too busy for pool. He just had the sales knack. Word has it he managed to rent out a house on the Lakes Estate once. Of the other Stingers, Andy was back and had been placated. Deep down he was still not impressed with the Stingers using Graeme Dott as a body double. But having given up in his attempt to kidnap slightly cooler snooker star Mark Selby (it got a bit boring crouched behind bushes in his Selby’s garden for hours on end), Andy returned empty handed and hit the bottle to forget his own kidnapping ordeal. Also using alcohol as a method of forgetting were Gee and Dog. Gee drank to blot out the memory of discovering and subsequently disposing of the body of Dott whilst Dog drank because it helped keep the voices in his head quiet. For a little while at least. Jody, of course, hadn’t been sober since 1979 although his Jack Daniels consumption was slightly down due to having to share it with his pet dog. Rudy the red nose what?
The 9th league match of the campaign saw The RAFA Stingers return to the Shack after several weeks absence. The Mervinator had readied the playing surface to the sufficiently high standard demanded by the Stinger desperados. The nights opponents were a curious bunch. Hailing from Roman Park Residents Association – a notoriously rough watering hole in the wastelands of Bancroft – they were led by future prime minister Sludge Hummer III. Sludgey was a strongly opinionated young man even back then. His forthright views on Britain’s political and economical climate enthralled the Shacks regulars throughout the night. Unfortunately, where history shows that the Sludgester appointed a talented collection of minds to his first cabinet, the same could not be said for his pool team. Gee was first into the debating forum and battered Sludgey with antidisestablishmentarian theory. 1-0 to the Stingers it may have been, but Sludgeys sponge-like mind took in the newly imparted knowledge and he would one day publicly thank Gee following a House of Commons debate on the Church of England.
Andy’s political view point was much simpler. Pot the friggin’ black and be done with it. 2-0. Jody, needless to say, harboured extreme political views. Extreme left, extreme right, extreme bloody everything. When he finally remembered that ‘centre-down-the-middle’ stuff was the way to appease the majority, he stumbled over the line. 3-0. Dog was rather disillusioned with the whole political scene. Having had his potential OBE taken away some years earlier for his alleged participation in the Trumpton Riots, he blotted out the background conversation and took out a dish. 4-0. Jamie, fresh from winning the first of 17 (and counting) national titles, arrived in time to bag a 5th frame, although The Mervinator may have been a better a bet – triple hernia and all. With the Stingers on a 22 frame winning streak, it was inevitable that some smart alec would mention it and inflict the curse. Gee was the cursed man staring down the barrel of a first ever 10-Gee. Could the Stingers do it the new boy? Dog 6-1. Andy 7-1. Jody 8-1. Kevin – brother of Paris and heir to a hotel chain – stepped in to avoid any of the other useless tools having to play three. 9-1. Jamie wrapped up the 10-Gee by referring the right honourable gentleman to his previous frame.
“Unlucky Gee” sympathised Captain Dog with a mouthful of cheesy pizza.
“Sorry skip” replied Gee. “It’s been a tough week, what with having to dispose of Dotts body”.
“That’s OK Gee, at least that’s over – good old Ahmed at Perfect Pizza eh! What would we have done without his meat grinder?” smirked Dog.
“Yeah, top bloke Ahmed, bit mental though – what kind of sicko uses chopped up human flesh on their pizzas? Must taste awful”
“Yeah, cant be too appetizing. But they say it tastes like Pork” said Dog.
“Say, Sludgey, how’s your team liking that 15 inch Meat Eater?” shouted Gee across the room. “Good meat?”
Tune in next week when The Stingers feed Bernard Matthews to some hungry Turkeys. Just for a laugh.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when smoking in public places was still allowed, The Stingers were unconcerned with where they could indulge in their nicotine addiction. There were far greater matters to see to: Saving Zared from ladyboy prostitution, Disposing of the ex-world snooker champion corpses, Keeping a bloody eye out for suspicious dudes who want to kidnap random Stingers and last but not least keeping Jody away from the jukebox at home games.
9. It had been three whole weeks since the Red House had been thrashed 11-0. Very little had happened in that time – alarmingly little in fact. On the playing front a solitary cup game had been won 6-0. With no indication as to whether the Bangkok Kokbangers had also wagered on a Stinger success in this competition, the boys assumed the best and played without fear. And without Mark. But that was nothing new – the boy was well on his way to his first million with his successful property deals and too busy for pool. He just had the sales knack. Word has it he managed to rent out a house on the Lakes Estate once. Of the other Stingers, Andy was back and had been placated. Deep down he was still not impressed with the Stingers using Graeme Dott as a body double. But having given up in his attempt to kidnap slightly cooler snooker star Mark Selby (it got a bit boring crouched behind bushes in his Selby’s garden for hours on end), Andy returned empty handed and hit the bottle to forget his own kidnapping ordeal. Also using alcohol as a method of forgetting were Gee and Dog. Gee drank to blot out the memory of discovering and subsequently disposing of the body of Dott whilst Dog drank because it helped keep the voices in his head quiet. For a little while at least. Jody, of course, hadn’t been sober since 1979 although his Jack Daniels consumption was slightly down due to having to share it with his pet dog. Rudy the red nose what?
The 9th league match of the campaign saw The RAFA Stingers return to the Shack after several weeks absence. The Mervinator had readied the playing surface to the sufficiently high standard demanded by the Stinger desperados. The nights opponents were a curious bunch. Hailing from Roman Park Residents Association – a notoriously rough watering hole in the wastelands of Bancroft – they were led by future prime minister Sludge Hummer III. Sludgey was a strongly opinionated young man even back then. His forthright views on Britain’s political and economical climate enthralled the Shacks regulars throughout the night. Unfortunately, where history shows that the Sludgester appointed a talented collection of minds to his first cabinet, the same could not be said for his pool team. Gee was first into the debating forum and battered Sludgey with antidisestablishmentarian theory. 1-0 to the Stingers it may have been, but Sludgeys sponge-like mind took in the newly imparted knowledge and he would one day publicly thank Gee following a House of Commons debate on the Church of England.
Andy’s political view point was much simpler. Pot the friggin’ black and be done with it. 2-0. Jody, needless to say, harboured extreme political views. Extreme left, extreme right, extreme bloody everything. When he finally remembered that ‘centre-down-the-middle’ stuff was the way to appease the majority, he stumbled over the line. 3-0. Dog was rather disillusioned with the whole political scene. Having had his potential OBE taken away some years earlier for his alleged participation in the Trumpton Riots, he blotted out the background conversation and took out a dish. 4-0. Jamie, fresh from winning the first of 17 (and counting) national titles, arrived in time to bag a 5th frame, although The Mervinator may have been a better a bet – triple hernia and all. With the Stingers on a 22 frame winning streak, it was inevitable that some smart alec would mention it and inflict the curse. Gee was the cursed man staring down the barrel of a first ever 10-Gee. Could the Stingers do it the new boy? Dog 6-1. Andy 7-1. Jody 8-1. Kevin – brother of Paris and heir to a hotel chain – stepped in to avoid any of the other useless tools having to play three. 9-1. Jamie wrapped up the 10-Gee by referring the right honourable gentleman to his previous frame.
“Unlucky Gee” sympathised Captain Dog with a mouthful of cheesy pizza.
“Sorry skip” replied Gee. “It’s been a tough week, what with having to dispose of Dotts body”.
“That’s OK Gee, at least that’s over – good old Ahmed at Perfect Pizza eh! What would we have done without his meat grinder?” smirked Dog.
“Yeah, top bloke Ahmed, bit mental though – what kind of sicko uses chopped up human flesh on their pizzas? Must taste awful”
“Yeah, cant be too appetizing. But they say it tastes like Pork” said Dog.
“Say, Sludgey, how’s your team liking that 15 inch Meat Eater?” shouted Gee across the room. “Good meat?”
Tune in next week when The Stingers feed Bernard Matthews to some hungry Turkeys. Just for a laugh.
Wednesday 9 May 2007
8. Nolan Rat Visits NewportDisney
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?
8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.
Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.
On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.
Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?
8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.
Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.
On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.
Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.
Thursday 3 May 2007
7. Baht's Entertainment
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when kidnapping rent boys was the in-thing with fallen 80’s pop stars, The RAFA Stingers had finally had enough of the kidnapping phenomenon (and just about enough of fallen 80's pop stars too). International Stinger Zared had been kidnapped by Thai hardnuts The Bangkok Kokbangers, Limahl-a-like Mark had recently been rescued from clutches of tribute band KajaMcGoogle and to top it all off Andy was now being held captive by some New Romantic Throwbacks. Karma Chamelon indeed.
7. Two weeks since his disappearance and there was no sign of Andy and no contact from his kidnappers. The Stingers hadn’t just been sitting around toking on a joint all that time, no sir’ee, they were up and about looking for him. Mark was ordered to attend Pink Punters and put his feelers out. Obviously it was too dangerous to let him out in normal attire – didn’t want the boy wonder getting snatched again did we – so he bravely donned a dress, shaved his legs and ventured out as ‘Mary’. Unfortunately the only information gleaned from the exercise was that Mark/Mary had ‘a nice butt’ – courtesy of a bloke called Linda. Jody was also on the case. He was delegated the task of surfing the internets less savoury sites in the hope of finding some link between this New Romantic mob and gay culture. But that all ended in tears when Rudy ate his PC. Dog and Gee just sat around talking at cross purposes about back ache. Gee gave highly specific medical advice coupled with suggested exercise routines to strengthen various muscles. Dog was just wangling for a good old massage. In between the body talk they did agree that they needed a cunning contingency plan for being Andyless come the next match night.
And so match night came. The only piece of communication received in the days leading up to the seventh league game of the season was an email from one of the Bangkok Kokbangers henchmen Atto Khoppanobba. Dog relayed the gist of it to the troops: “They’re concerned about our recent unlucky losses and remind us that big money is a stake. They have given us the best chance possible by eliminating the threat of the Botty Liberation Front and demand a return on their investment”. “Phew, that’s heavy Dog” said Gee, “Any good news?”. “Funny you should mention that Gee, there is a PS at the bottom which indicates Dean The Hairdresser has had a ladyboy operation and is currently prostituting his body for a couple of Baht”.
With that piece of imagery firmly in the Stingers head, the match commenced with two defeats. The cautious start might have also been down to the stroke about to be pulled. A few days earlier Gee had encountered a sorry sight whilst on business in Sheffield. A disconsolate figure was sat on a park bench swigging Special Brew. Gee’s mind went back to just a few months earlier when he was homeless himself and sleeping underneath the table at the RAFA. Approaching the man to give him a fiver he became aware that it wasn’t some smelly tramp but Graeme Dott, the former world snooker champ. Gee did what any caring cue-sports fan would do – he bundled him in the boot of his motor and told him he was playing pool on Tuesday night in the Milton Keynes league. And so frame 3 got underway Graeme Dott v That bloke from the muppetts, darn, what’s his name? Anyways, The Stingers weren’t so silly to tip off the opposition that they had a top notch new signing. No they were much cleverer than that and simply dressed the Dottmeister up in Andys clothes, stuck an Andy mask on him and wrote down Andy on the card. Oh and told him not to speak in that stupid squeaky voice of his. Job done. Except he barely got a shot and was soon back in his chair – all a bit too much like the 2007 worlds for his liking. 0-3 and as bad starts go, this was as bad as it could be. But a swift reminder of the real threat posed by the Kokbangers soon inspired the lads and Jamie, Gee and Mark levelled it. Jamie fell just short of putting the Stingers in the lead but Jody soon had it back to level pegging. Gee and Mark repeated their earlier heroics and that would be that. Except for a Dott 1 visit cameo in the last. Which he lost. Oh well, at least he wasn’t rumbled. See kids, it doesn’t pay to bring in big name players ;)
So two points in the bag, one missing vice skip and the dilemma of what to do with a certain Scottish cueman. If only there was a way of killing two birds with one stone. If only…
Tune in next week when we introduce another puzzling sub-plot into the storyline for no other reason than to make you forget all the other sub-plots that we haven’t put to bed yet.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when kidnapping rent boys was the in-thing with fallen 80’s pop stars, The RAFA Stingers had finally had enough of the kidnapping phenomenon (and just about enough of fallen 80's pop stars too). International Stinger Zared had been kidnapped by Thai hardnuts The Bangkok Kokbangers, Limahl-a-like Mark had recently been rescued from clutches of tribute band KajaMcGoogle and to top it all off Andy was now being held captive by some New Romantic Throwbacks. Karma Chamelon indeed.
7. Two weeks since his disappearance and there was no sign of Andy and no contact from his kidnappers. The Stingers hadn’t just been sitting around toking on a joint all that time, no sir’ee, they were up and about looking for him. Mark was ordered to attend Pink Punters and put his feelers out. Obviously it was too dangerous to let him out in normal attire – didn’t want the boy wonder getting snatched again did we – so he bravely donned a dress, shaved his legs and ventured out as ‘Mary’. Unfortunately the only information gleaned from the exercise was that Mark/Mary had ‘a nice butt’ – courtesy of a bloke called Linda. Jody was also on the case. He was delegated the task of surfing the internets less savoury sites in the hope of finding some link between this New Romantic mob and gay culture. But that all ended in tears when Rudy ate his PC. Dog and Gee just sat around talking at cross purposes about back ache. Gee gave highly specific medical advice coupled with suggested exercise routines to strengthen various muscles. Dog was just wangling for a good old massage. In between the body talk they did agree that they needed a cunning contingency plan for being Andyless come the next match night.
And so match night came. The only piece of communication received in the days leading up to the seventh league game of the season was an email from one of the Bangkok Kokbangers henchmen Atto Khoppanobba. Dog relayed the gist of it to the troops: “They’re concerned about our recent unlucky losses and remind us that big money is a stake. They have given us the best chance possible by eliminating the threat of the Botty Liberation Front and demand a return on their investment”. “Phew, that’s heavy Dog” said Gee, “Any good news?”. “Funny you should mention that Gee, there is a PS at the bottom which indicates Dean The Hairdresser has had a ladyboy operation and is currently prostituting his body for a couple of Baht”.
With that piece of imagery firmly in the Stingers head, the match commenced with two defeats. The cautious start might have also been down to the stroke about to be pulled. A few days earlier Gee had encountered a sorry sight whilst on business in Sheffield. A disconsolate figure was sat on a park bench swigging Special Brew. Gee’s mind went back to just a few months earlier when he was homeless himself and sleeping underneath the table at the RAFA. Approaching the man to give him a fiver he became aware that it wasn’t some smelly tramp but Graeme Dott, the former world snooker champ. Gee did what any caring cue-sports fan would do – he bundled him in the boot of his motor and told him he was playing pool on Tuesday night in the Milton Keynes league. And so frame 3 got underway Graeme Dott v That bloke from the muppetts, darn, what’s his name? Anyways, The Stingers weren’t so silly to tip off the opposition that they had a top notch new signing. No they were much cleverer than that and simply dressed the Dottmeister up in Andys clothes, stuck an Andy mask on him and wrote down Andy on the card. Oh and told him not to speak in that stupid squeaky voice of his. Job done. Except he barely got a shot and was soon back in his chair – all a bit too much like the 2007 worlds for his liking. 0-3 and as bad starts go, this was as bad as it could be. But a swift reminder of the real threat posed by the Kokbangers soon inspired the lads and Jamie, Gee and Mark levelled it. Jamie fell just short of putting the Stingers in the lead but Jody soon had it back to level pegging. Gee and Mark repeated their earlier heroics and that would be that. Except for a Dott 1 visit cameo in the last. Which he lost. Oh well, at least he wasn’t rumbled. See kids, it doesn’t pay to bring in big name players ;)
So two points in the bag, one missing vice skip and the dilemma of what to do with a certain Scottish cueman. If only there was a way of killing two birds with one stone. If only…
Tune in next week when we introduce another puzzling sub-plot into the storyline for no other reason than to make you forget all the other sub-plots that we haven’t put to bed yet.
Thursday 19 April 2007
6. We Cant Take Our Eyes Off The Rottweiler And Kidnapping Combination
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when if your name was Brian you strangely received top marks for not trying, The RAFA Stingers were trying too hard. They were trying to save kidnapped globetrotting Stinger Zared. To achieve this the author of this blog has strangely intertwined saving Zared with winning the Milton Keynes pool league. Despite this being a feat they had achieved a million times previous to 2007 somehow Thai gangsters The Bangkok Kokbangers had got a good price for their £1m wager on such an eventuality. The beauty of fiction eh! Last week the doody had really hit the fan when Leighton Buzzard tribute band KajaMcGoogle had kidnapped the Limahl look-a-like Mark thus causing a shock loss to a bunch considered too ugly to get a part in The Dingle Family. It was quite a good piece of writing actually, you should go back and read it.
6. With Mark in the clutches of some bad people from Bedfordshire, The Stingers spent the week trying to secure his release. The most comforting thing during his days of absence was the assumption that KajaMcGoogle weren’t some rogue UK sleeper cell affiliated to Thai naughty lads The Backalley Boys. The reason for this thinking? Well, if you really wanted to sabotage The Stingers season you’d kidnap one of the good players wouldn’t you? The Stinger think-tank got together and pondered how to get hold of this KajaMawotsit lot. Marks phone was the only known communication channel and it was dead. Several hours of bizarre suggestions from the troops (such as Howling Mad Jody’s pearler “Lets just bomb Leighton Buzzard”) led to nothing. Not even Andy’s secret service connections could help. Dog was on the brink of giving up and had already picked up the yellow pages to seek a replacement player. As he scanned down the ‘Crap Pool Players Who Don’t Have A Team’ listings his attention turned to the opposite page. Jumping off the page under the heading of ‘Crap Pop Tribute Acts’ was an advert for…. KajaMcGoogle.
Tuesday afternoon and The Stingers were leaving it a tad late. The plan was formulated and everyone knew their role. The first fundamental part worked – the KajaMcGoogle tour bus actually turned up. This was a massive relief as the phoney booking for an afternoon gig at The Bletchley Rottweiler Owners Club was at number 1 in the list of ‘things that could go wrong with springing Mark’. At number 2 was ‘Rudy might not be hungry’. Yep, the whole plan revolved around unleashing the power of Rudy The Rottweiler on the unsuspecting fake stars. As the gig kicked into action, The Stingers were surprised to see an unusually large turnout. No advertising had been done for the event, the lads had just hijacked the Over 80’s Tea Dance Club to boost numbers and make it look like a real booking. However, word must have got out about the gig as at least 4 new romantic throwbacks were milling around at the back. Great, KajaMcGoogle had a fan base. The strains of ‘Too Shy’ wafted through the hall to the puzzlement of the octogenarians. Mark’s performance looked forced – as one would expect of an unwilling captive. Just as his strained vocals hit the chorus, Jody shouted the trigger word… GAYS. In a whirl of bloodied limbs, screaming OAPS and missed bassnotes, Mark had been spirited away to the getaway vehicle. As Dog sped off, he caught sight of Rudy and the rest of the team jumping in the 2nd car. But where was Andy?
At the Shack and comparing what they saw, the truth dawned on the Stingers. Gee had seen Andy talking to the New Romantic Throwbacks just prior to the carnage. Jamie had seen two of them grab his arms during the getaway. Jody had also caught a glance of a struggle but unable to help due to being chased by an irate drummer, he only had time to muzzle RTR and jump in getaway car 2. “So then you eejits, we rescue one player and get our Vice Skip kidnapped by another” ranted Dog. “You couldn’t make it up!”.
Weeks 6 match saw some camp lads from Newport Pagnell come to town. The Hustlers had slipped off the ‘winning trophies’ radar by virtue of them never winning. This is one mob that the boys reckoned could have some connection with the Backalley Boys. A second major blow hit the heroes of the piece. No Mervinator. Couple that with no Andy and it meant Dog had to call up a mysterious reserve. The timing of the game was such that everyone present had the pleasure of missing Englands elimination from the 2007 Cricket World Cup. Having invented the game of cricket in 1257, the Stingers were none too pleased, but kept the spirit alive. Dog was bamboozled by an inswinger. 0-1. Jamie saw off a leg break. 1-1. Jody enjoyed a couple of doosra’s, but failed to pass them on for us all to take a puff. 1-2. Mysterious helped The Stingers resemble the England middle order as it went 1-3. A shaken, but not stirred Mark hit through the line for 2-3, whilst Gee lofted one over mid-off (or perhaps over TOBWTMS). 3-3. Jamie hit a boundary (4-3) but Mark was caught playing at a wide one. 4-4. Jody was initially confused by the presence of two Rudy look-alikes, but scampered through for a single. 5-4. Gee was amused by the appearance of Bryan but less pleased at a dodgy lbw decision. 5-5. With the track cutting up, Mark was caught out by a gay daisy cutter which nipped back. 5-6.
Luckily the Stingers were not due back in action for two weeks and hastily began the search for Andy. “Arggggh” screamed Dog. “There’s no category in the Yellow Pages for ‘New Romantic Throwbacks’”.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when if your name was Brian you strangely received top marks for not trying, The RAFA Stingers were trying too hard. They were trying to save kidnapped globetrotting Stinger Zared. To achieve this the author of this blog has strangely intertwined saving Zared with winning the Milton Keynes pool league. Despite this being a feat they had achieved a million times previous to 2007 somehow Thai gangsters The Bangkok Kokbangers had got a good price for their £1m wager on such an eventuality. The beauty of fiction eh! Last week the doody had really hit the fan when Leighton Buzzard tribute band KajaMcGoogle had kidnapped the Limahl look-a-like Mark thus causing a shock loss to a bunch considered too ugly to get a part in The Dingle Family. It was quite a good piece of writing actually, you should go back and read it.
6. With Mark in the clutches of some bad people from Bedfordshire, The Stingers spent the week trying to secure his release. The most comforting thing during his days of absence was the assumption that KajaMcGoogle weren’t some rogue UK sleeper cell affiliated to Thai naughty lads The Backalley Boys. The reason for this thinking? Well, if you really wanted to sabotage The Stingers season you’d kidnap one of the good players wouldn’t you? The Stinger think-tank got together and pondered how to get hold of this KajaMawotsit lot. Marks phone was the only known communication channel and it was dead. Several hours of bizarre suggestions from the troops (such as Howling Mad Jody’s pearler “Lets just bomb Leighton Buzzard”) led to nothing. Not even Andy’s secret service connections could help. Dog was on the brink of giving up and had already picked up the yellow pages to seek a replacement player. As he scanned down the ‘Crap Pool Players Who Don’t Have A Team’ listings his attention turned to the opposite page. Jumping off the page under the heading of ‘Crap Pop Tribute Acts’ was an advert for…. KajaMcGoogle.
Tuesday afternoon and The Stingers were leaving it a tad late. The plan was formulated and everyone knew their role. The first fundamental part worked – the KajaMcGoogle tour bus actually turned up. This was a massive relief as the phoney booking for an afternoon gig at The Bletchley Rottweiler Owners Club was at number 1 in the list of ‘things that could go wrong with springing Mark’. At number 2 was ‘Rudy might not be hungry’. Yep, the whole plan revolved around unleashing the power of Rudy The Rottweiler on the unsuspecting fake stars. As the gig kicked into action, The Stingers were surprised to see an unusually large turnout. No advertising had been done for the event, the lads had just hijacked the Over 80’s Tea Dance Club to boost numbers and make it look like a real booking. However, word must have got out about the gig as at least 4 new romantic throwbacks were milling around at the back. Great, KajaMcGoogle had a fan base. The strains of ‘Too Shy’ wafted through the hall to the puzzlement of the octogenarians. Mark’s performance looked forced – as one would expect of an unwilling captive. Just as his strained vocals hit the chorus, Jody shouted the trigger word… GAYS. In a whirl of bloodied limbs, screaming OAPS and missed bassnotes, Mark had been spirited away to the getaway vehicle. As Dog sped off, he caught sight of Rudy and the rest of the team jumping in the 2nd car. But where was Andy?
At the Shack and comparing what they saw, the truth dawned on the Stingers. Gee had seen Andy talking to the New Romantic Throwbacks just prior to the carnage. Jamie had seen two of them grab his arms during the getaway. Jody had also caught a glance of a struggle but unable to help due to being chased by an irate drummer, he only had time to muzzle RTR and jump in getaway car 2. “So then you eejits, we rescue one player and get our Vice Skip kidnapped by another” ranted Dog. “You couldn’t make it up!”.
Weeks 6 match saw some camp lads from Newport Pagnell come to town. The Hustlers had slipped off the ‘winning trophies’ radar by virtue of them never winning. This is one mob that the boys reckoned could have some connection with the Backalley Boys. A second major blow hit the heroes of the piece. No Mervinator. Couple that with no Andy and it meant Dog had to call up a mysterious reserve. The timing of the game was such that everyone present had the pleasure of missing Englands elimination from the 2007 Cricket World Cup. Having invented the game of cricket in 1257, the Stingers were none too pleased, but kept the spirit alive. Dog was bamboozled by an inswinger. 0-1. Jamie saw off a leg break. 1-1. Jody enjoyed a couple of doosra’s, but failed to pass them on for us all to take a puff. 1-2. Mysterious helped The Stingers resemble the England middle order as it went 1-3. A shaken, but not stirred Mark hit through the line for 2-3, whilst Gee lofted one over mid-off (or perhaps over TOBWTMS). 3-3. Jamie hit a boundary (4-3) but Mark was caught playing at a wide one. 4-4. Jody was initially confused by the presence of two Rudy look-alikes, but scampered through for a single. 5-4. Gee was amused by the appearance of Bryan but less pleased at a dodgy lbw decision. 5-5. With the track cutting up, Mark was caught out by a gay daisy cutter which nipped back. 5-6.
Luckily the Stingers were not due back in action for two weeks and hastily began the search for Andy. “Arggggh” screamed Dog. “There’s no category in the Yellow Pages for ‘New Romantic Throwbacks’”.
Friday 13 April 2007
5. Celebrity Fit Club
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Goat was declared the ‘New Chicken’, The RAFA Stingers were unmoved by low fat meat issues. Their main man, Zared (hereafter abbreviated to Z) had been kidnapped in Thailand by The Bangkok Kokbangers (BK). BK placed a £1,000,000 bet on the Stingers winning the league. If they failed, Z gets turned into a ladyboy and BK come after the Stingers for partial repayment. BK’s bookie lays off the bet to the Backalley Boys (BB) who have massive UK influence via sleeper cells like the Pink Punters (PP) and the Botty Liberation Front (BLF). BLF leave a candid message prompting the Stingers to re-sign former figure of fun Rudy The Rottweiler (RTR) as head of security. Emails from Z reveal he had gained the trust of the BK with his hustling ability. Meanwhile the Stingers find out the head of the BLF was none other than Dean the Hairdresser (DTH) from the Cricketers. He was last heard of at Bangkok airport where he failed to board his connection flight to Australia. So what’s the story with the BK v BB? Do the BLF still exist? Where do the PP come into this? Are they all scared of RTR? What happened to DTH? Have we only abbreviated Zared to ‘Z’ because Thais can’t pronounce Z’s or R’s correctly? Can the Stingers save ‘Salad’?
5. There isn’t any salad for a trip to the Vic. A little known fact was that this pub and its players inspired the hit TV show ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. General consensus at the time was that they had actually been the inspiration for the Dingle family in Emmerdale – a mildly successful soap from the early ‘Nought-ies’. Not that anyone watched TV in 2007. Especially not Z. The lad had managed to get an email out during the week leading up to week 5’s game. And if you’ve read 3.01 you’ll know what he had to do to earn that right! Z relayed news of the BK’s activities. He’d heard the BK’s were none too pleased at the BB’s attempts to sabotage the bet. So much so that they had stepped in to snuff out the threat of the BLF. From the snippets of Thai he could understand from his captors, Z was sure that the head of the BLF had been transported to Bangkok and undergone ladyboy operations. If only he knew it was DTH hey readers! He signed off wishing the Stingers luck and warning that although the BLF might have been ‘sorted’ the BK’s were ultra paranoid about the numerous other BB connections in the UK might try to intervene in the title charge.
So to the match. A handy opening had seen Winston Dingle, Sam Dingle, Shiny Dingle and Zack Dingle disposed of early doors. But something was not right. The Magic Hedgehog – Mark – was even later than normal. A sick Jody was called upon but worry started to creep in when the hallucinogenic contents of his medication kicked in a little too early. The boy was so confused he started striking the centre of the white ball. Disaster. Worse was to follow. Mark was contacted by phone. His voice was strangely distant. Had he just woken up? As the conversation with his skipper continued it became clear that his words were being dictated to him. Had Mrs Mark got a grip on his goolies? Unlikely – his voice was still low enough to rule out testicular interference. Was this actually Mark or a voice recording of his favourite sayings? Some of the answers suggested that – “I’ll be there at 8.30”, “Have you got enough players?”, “Can’t you get my Dad to play?” – but other utterings suggested otherwise, especially “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a round when I get there”. The conversation ended abruptly. The Stingers weren’t happy with this and were sure something was going down. The sharply tuned ears of Gee got on the case. After 10 attempts he got through to Marks mobile. He too was met by garbled answers. Some were hard to make out due to fairly loud music in the background. Then something freaky occurred. A different voice came on the line and declared “We have him now. And we’re keeping him. ha ha ha ha”. Just before the line went dead, Gee was sure he heard Mark scream the words “Leighton Buzzard”. What could it all mean?
The worry of another missing hero affected the match. The Vic, aided mostly by Sam Dingle and I Have A Very Small Dingle, got all the run and won. Shit. But there were larger issues to resolve. With the BLF sorted, who would take Mark? Was this a new bunch of desperados? Were they known to the BK’s? Would they be after more Stingers? Suddenly, Gee jumped to his feet. “Dog, I think I’ve got it – the music gave it away”. Gee outlined his thoughts on who had Mark. The music in the background was the catchy 80’s Number 1 hit ‘Too Shy’. It was not being played from a CD – it was a live band playing it. Mark was being held in Leighton Buzzard. It’s OBVIOUS! Mark had been kidnapped by Bedfordshire’s finest pop exports Kajagoogoo due to his likeness to lead singer Limahl.
“Great thinking Gee” said Dog. “But I fear it’s worse than that. All the members of Kajagoogoo have long since left Leighton Buzzard for sunnier climes. If my instincts are correct, he’s been picked up by their tribute band…
…. KajaMcGoogle”
Needless to say, you’ll have to come back next week to read more. Unless you’re wayyyyyy behind with your reading, in which case the next article is above.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Goat was declared the ‘New Chicken’, The RAFA Stingers were unmoved by low fat meat issues. Their main man, Zared (hereafter abbreviated to Z) had been kidnapped in Thailand by The Bangkok Kokbangers (BK). BK placed a £1,000,000 bet on the Stingers winning the league. If they failed, Z gets turned into a ladyboy and BK come after the Stingers for partial repayment. BK’s bookie lays off the bet to the Backalley Boys (BB) who have massive UK influence via sleeper cells like the Pink Punters (PP) and the Botty Liberation Front (BLF). BLF leave a candid message prompting the Stingers to re-sign former figure of fun Rudy The Rottweiler (RTR) as head of security. Emails from Z reveal he had gained the trust of the BK with his hustling ability. Meanwhile the Stingers find out the head of the BLF was none other than Dean the Hairdresser (DTH) from the Cricketers. He was last heard of at Bangkok airport where he failed to board his connection flight to Australia. So what’s the story with the BK v BB? Do the BLF still exist? Where do the PP come into this? Are they all scared of RTR? What happened to DTH? Have we only abbreviated Zared to ‘Z’ because Thais can’t pronounce Z’s or R’s correctly? Can the Stingers save ‘Salad’?
5. There isn’t any salad for a trip to the Vic. A little known fact was that this pub and its players inspired the hit TV show ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. General consensus at the time was that they had actually been the inspiration for the Dingle family in Emmerdale – a mildly successful soap from the early ‘Nought-ies’. Not that anyone watched TV in 2007. Especially not Z. The lad had managed to get an email out during the week leading up to week 5’s game. And if you’ve read 3.01 you’ll know what he had to do to earn that right! Z relayed news of the BK’s activities. He’d heard the BK’s were none too pleased at the BB’s attempts to sabotage the bet. So much so that they had stepped in to snuff out the threat of the BLF. From the snippets of Thai he could understand from his captors, Z was sure that the head of the BLF had been transported to Bangkok and undergone ladyboy operations. If only he knew it was DTH hey readers! He signed off wishing the Stingers luck and warning that although the BLF might have been ‘sorted’ the BK’s were ultra paranoid about the numerous other BB connections in the UK might try to intervene in the title charge.
So to the match. A handy opening had seen Winston Dingle, Sam Dingle, Shiny Dingle and Zack Dingle disposed of early doors. But something was not right. The Magic Hedgehog – Mark – was even later than normal. A sick Jody was called upon but worry started to creep in when the hallucinogenic contents of his medication kicked in a little too early. The boy was so confused he started striking the centre of the white ball. Disaster. Worse was to follow. Mark was contacted by phone. His voice was strangely distant. Had he just woken up? As the conversation with his skipper continued it became clear that his words were being dictated to him. Had Mrs Mark got a grip on his goolies? Unlikely – his voice was still low enough to rule out testicular interference. Was this actually Mark or a voice recording of his favourite sayings? Some of the answers suggested that – “I’ll be there at 8.30”, “Have you got enough players?”, “Can’t you get my Dad to play?” – but other utterings suggested otherwise, especially “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a round when I get there”. The conversation ended abruptly. The Stingers weren’t happy with this and were sure something was going down. The sharply tuned ears of Gee got on the case. After 10 attempts he got through to Marks mobile. He too was met by garbled answers. Some were hard to make out due to fairly loud music in the background. Then something freaky occurred. A different voice came on the line and declared “We have him now. And we’re keeping him. ha ha ha ha”. Just before the line went dead, Gee was sure he heard Mark scream the words “Leighton Buzzard”. What could it all mean?
The worry of another missing hero affected the match. The Vic, aided mostly by Sam Dingle and I Have A Very Small Dingle, got all the run and won. Shit. But there were larger issues to resolve. With the BLF sorted, who would take Mark? Was this a new bunch of desperados? Were they known to the BK’s? Would they be after more Stingers? Suddenly, Gee jumped to his feet. “Dog, I think I’ve got it – the music gave it away”. Gee outlined his thoughts on who had Mark. The music in the background was the catchy 80’s Number 1 hit ‘Too Shy’. It was not being played from a CD – it was a live band playing it. Mark was being held in Leighton Buzzard. It’s OBVIOUS! Mark had been kidnapped by Bedfordshire’s finest pop exports Kajagoogoo due to his likeness to lead singer Limahl.
“Great thinking Gee” said Dog. “But I fear it’s worse than that. All the members of Kajagoogoo have long since left Leighton Buzzard for sunnier climes. If my instincts are correct, he’s been picked up by their tribute band…
…. KajaMcGoogle”
Needless to say, you’ll have to come back next week to read more. Unless you’re wayyyyyy behind with your reading, in which case the next article is above.
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