In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when battering your opponent with a chicken wasn’t actually listed as a loss of frame ‘fowl’, The RAFA Stingers were more concerned with not cooking their goose. The countdown was on. There were five matches to win to save both themselves and International Stinger Zared from unspeakable torture. If you haven’t grasped the plot yet, it’s probably a bit late for you. If you’re a regular reader – sorry, it really is too late for you. The men in white coats will be round soon.
10. The worrying lack of information coming out of Thailand forced The Stingers into action. Using the known email addresses from previous correspondence, Dog drafted emails to both the kidnappers and to Zared. The Stingers needed to know the status of the bets, how safe Zared was and most importantly, how many times Dean The Hairdresser had been buggered by sweaty 20 stone British tourists. Oh and was there any info on Stinger saboteurs? Chillingly a standard response was received “Win or else you too will experience the ‘night of 1000 pricks’. Dean likes”. Drat, so the Kokbangers hadn’t laid off the bet and called it a day then. The only good news was the lack of apparent saboteurs. Having had half the team kidnapped at some point during the campaign along with other miscellaneous threats, The Stingers quite fancied a clean run at their remaining opponents. The boys were actually looking forward to keeping their noses clean, well, after they’d disposed of the last Graeme Dott sandwiches.
Attendance was at 100% for the visit to Bradwell which was a surprise to anyone who was aware that Mark was driving. Gee opened the scoring but not without a struggle. 1-0. He then faced a bigger struggle – the pub didn’t sell absinthe. Dog fortunately caught him in the bogs just as he was pondering drinking the industrial toilet cleaner. An agreement was reached that he could top up his beer with a couple of voddies and would be rewarded with some white spirit if and when he won his second frame. The shakes appeared to be quelled. Dog hid the toilet cleaner and returned to see Andy dishing up the Peeps top man. 2-0. A good start but the night was about to take a turn for the worst. Andy had to nip off early – some secret services mission or other. Upon his departure, Dog realised the toilet cleaner had also gone. A swift body search revealed all The Stingers were telling the truth – they hadn’t got it – which meant Andy had nipped off for a swift pint of gut-rot. Secret services schmecret schmervices! The pressure really was telling on the boys. Already rattled by the loss of his lift home, Jody proceeded to drop the next frame followed by Jamie landing himself in a snooker yourself on the black moment. 2-2. Luckily Dog was on hand to make it 3-2 and Jamie restored the two frame cushion. Mark was unleashed to put the Stingers within sight of the win (5-2) but Gee was too focused on his white spirit reward and threw in a loss. 5-3. Never fear though, the cunning use of Mark as a second half man only reaped dividends as the sober one sealed the win. The final two frames were shared to the soundtrack of random alcoholics babbling away.
The babbling got worse on the long trek home. Markcabs had worked out a convoluted route that involved depositing Gee outside an off-licence before dropping the rest off. Dog exited the moving vehicle somewhere near Two Mile Ash and Mark, Jamie and Jody were last seen heading towards Deanshanger. Dog was barely changed into his Teletubbies pyjamas when his phone rang.
“Hello Mark, What you forgotten?” asked Dog
“Dog Dog Dog, you’re not going to believe me when I tell you what’s happened, its bad and oh my god, its really…” shouted Mark
“Whoa, calm down son, what is it?” interrupted Dog
“Its Jody, they took Jody and now he’s back and he’s in a bad way” said Mark
“What do you mean, who took him?”
“Some men with white coats. They took him to this spaceship…” cried the increasingly panicked Mark
“Hey, stop there Mark. You boys haven’t been round Andy’s drinking toilet cleaner have you?” enquired Dog
“No, I swear we haven’t. We didn’t even get time for a spliff before they came. It WAS a spaceship Dog. They got him and dragged him away. Rudy did a runner. Then they brought him back and dumped him on the floor. Its bad, he’s had his head cut open and stitched up – they’ve done something to him” said Mark.
“Stay right there, I’m coming round” said Dog, kicking off his fluffy slippers and reaching for his car keys.
Tune in next time to find out what the hell that last bit was all about. Drinking problems, Spaceships, Heads cut open? No, it wasn’t the Stingers last visit to the Champion of Champions.
Wednesday 6 June 2007
Wednesday 30 May 2007
9. Keep Mrs Honeyman Right Out Of Sight
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when smoking in public places was still allowed, The Stingers were unconcerned with where they could indulge in their nicotine addiction. There were far greater matters to see to: Saving Zared from ladyboy prostitution, Disposing of the ex-world snooker champion corpses, Keeping a bloody eye out for suspicious dudes who want to kidnap random Stingers and last but not least keeping Jody away from the jukebox at home games.
9. It had been three whole weeks since the Red House had been thrashed 11-0. Very little had happened in that time – alarmingly little in fact. On the playing front a solitary cup game had been won 6-0. With no indication as to whether the Bangkok Kokbangers had also wagered on a Stinger success in this competition, the boys assumed the best and played without fear. And without Mark. But that was nothing new – the boy was well on his way to his first million with his successful property deals and too busy for pool. He just had the sales knack. Word has it he managed to rent out a house on the Lakes Estate once. Of the other Stingers, Andy was back and had been placated. Deep down he was still not impressed with the Stingers using Graeme Dott as a body double. But having given up in his attempt to kidnap slightly cooler snooker star Mark Selby (it got a bit boring crouched behind bushes in his Selby’s garden for hours on end), Andy returned empty handed and hit the bottle to forget his own kidnapping ordeal. Also using alcohol as a method of forgetting were Gee and Dog. Gee drank to blot out the memory of discovering and subsequently disposing of the body of Dott whilst Dog drank because it helped keep the voices in his head quiet. For a little while at least. Jody, of course, hadn’t been sober since 1979 although his Jack Daniels consumption was slightly down due to having to share it with his pet dog. Rudy the red nose what?
The 9th league match of the campaign saw The RAFA Stingers return to the Shack after several weeks absence. The Mervinator had readied the playing surface to the sufficiently high standard demanded by the Stinger desperados. The nights opponents were a curious bunch. Hailing from Roman Park Residents Association – a notoriously rough watering hole in the wastelands of Bancroft – they were led by future prime minister Sludge Hummer III. Sludgey was a strongly opinionated young man even back then. His forthright views on Britain’s political and economical climate enthralled the Shacks regulars throughout the night. Unfortunately, where history shows that the Sludgester appointed a talented collection of minds to his first cabinet, the same could not be said for his pool team. Gee was first into the debating forum and battered Sludgey with antidisestablishmentarian theory. 1-0 to the Stingers it may have been, but Sludgeys sponge-like mind took in the newly imparted knowledge and he would one day publicly thank Gee following a House of Commons debate on the Church of England.
Andy’s political view point was much simpler. Pot the friggin’ black and be done with it. 2-0. Jody, needless to say, harboured extreme political views. Extreme left, extreme right, extreme bloody everything. When he finally remembered that ‘centre-down-the-middle’ stuff was the way to appease the majority, he stumbled over the line. 3-0. Dog was rather disillusioned with the whole political scene. Having had his potential OBE taken away some years earlier for his alleged participation in the Trumpton Riots, he blotted out the background conversation and took out a dish. 4-0. Jamie, fresh from winning the first of 17 (and counting) national titles, arrived in time to bag a 5th frame, although The Mervinator may have been a better a bet – triple hernia and all. With the Stingers on a 22 frame winning streak, it was inevitable that some smart alec would mention it and inflict the curse. Gee was the cursed man staring down the barrel of a first ever 10-Gee. Could the Stingers do it the new boy? Dog 6-1. Andy 7-1. Jody 8-1. Kevin – brother of Paris and heir to a hotel chain – stepped in to avoid any of the other useless tools having to play three. 9-1. Jamie wrapped up the 10-Gee by referring the right honourable gentleman to his previous frame.
“Unlucky Gee” sympathised Captain Dog with a mouthful of cheesy pizza.
“Sorry skip” replied Gee. “It’s been a tough week, what with having to dispose of Dotts body”.
“That’s OK Gee, at least that’s over – good old Ahmed at Perfect Pizza eh! What would we have done without his meat grinder?” smirked Dog.
“Yeah, top bloke Ahmed, bit mental though – what kind of sicko uses chopped up human flesh on their pizzas? Must taste awful”
“Yeah, cant be too appetizing. But they say it tastes like Pork” said Dog.
“Say, Sludgey, how’s your team liking that 15 inch Meat Eater?” shouted Gee across the room. “Good meat?”
Tune in next week when The Stingers feed Bernard Matthews to some hungry Turkeys. Just for a laugh.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when smoking in public places was still allowed, The Stingers were unconcerned with where they could indulge in their nicotine addiction. There were far greater matters to see to: Saving Zared from ladyboy prostitution, Disposing of the ex-world snooker champion corpses, Keeping a bloody eye out for suspicious dudes who want to kidnap random Stingers and last but not least keeping Jody away from the jukebox at home games.
9. It had been three whole weeks since the Red House had been thrashed 11-0. Very little had happened in that time – alarmingly little in fact. On the playing front a solitary cup game had been won 6-0. With no indication as to whether the Bangkok Kokbangers had also wagered on a Stinger success in this competition, the boys assumed the best and played without fear. And without Mark. But that was nothing new – the boy was well on his way to his first million with his successful property deals and too busy for pool. He just had the sales knack. Word has it he managed to rent out a house on the Lakes Estate once. Of the other Stingers, Andy was back and had been placated. Deep down he was still not impressed with the Stingers using Graeme Dott as a body double. But having given up in his attempt to kidnap slightly cooler snooker star Mark Selby (it got a bit boring crouched behind bushes in his Selby’s garden for hours on end), Andy returned empty handed and hit the bottle to forget his own kidnapping ordeal. Also using alcohol as a method of forgetting were Gee and Dog. Gee drank to blot out the memory of discovering and subsequently disposing of the body of Dott whilst Dog drank because it helped keep the voices in his head quiet. For a little while at least. Jody, of course, hadn’t been sober since 1979 although his Jack Daniels consumption was slightly down due to having to share it with his pet dog. Rudy the red nose what?
The 9th league match of the campaign saw The RAFA Stingers return to the Shack after several weeks absence. The Mervinator had readied the playing surface to the sufficiently high standard demanded by the Stinger desperados. The nights opponents were a curious bunch. Hailing from Roman Park Residents Association – a notoriously rough watering hole in the wastelands of Bancroft – they were led by future prime minister Sludge Hummer III. Sludgey was a strongly opinionated young man even back then. His forthright views on Britain’s political and economical climate enthralled the Shacks regulars throughout the night. Unfortunately, where history shows that the Sludgester appointed a talented collection of minds to his first cabinet, the same could not be said for his pool team. Gee was first into the debating forum and battered Sludgey with antidisestablishmentarian theory. 1-0 to the Stingers it may have been, but Sludgeys sponge-like mind took in the newly imparted knowledge and he would one day publicly thank Gee following a House of Commons debate on the Church of England.
Andy’s political view point was much simpler. Pot the friggin’ black and be done with it. 2-0. Jody, needless to say, harboured extreme political views. Extreme left, extreme right, extreme bloody everything. When he finally remembered that ‘centre-down-the-middle’ stuff was the way to appease the majority, he stumbled over the line. 3-0. Dog was rather disillusioned with the whole political scene. Having had his potential OBE taken away some years earlier for his alleged participation in the Trumpton Riots, he blotted out the background conversation and took out a dish. 4-0. Jamie, fresh from winning the first of 17 (and counting) national titles, arrived in time to bag a 5th frame, although The Mervinator may have been a better a bet – triple hernia and all. With the Stingers on a 22 frame winning streak, it was inevitable that some smart alec would mention it and inflict the curse. Gee was the cursed man staring down the barrel of a first ever 10-Gee. Could the Stingers do it the new boy? Dog 6-1. Andy 7-1. Jody 8-1. Kevin – brother of Paris and heir to a hotel chain – stepped in to avoid any of the other useless tools having to play three. 9-1. Jamie wrapped up the 10-Gee by referring the right honourable gentleman to his previous frame.
“Unlucky Gee” sympathised Captain Dog with a mouthful of cheesy pizza.
“Sorry skip” replied Gee. “It’s been a tough week, what with having to dispose of Dotts body”.
“That’s OK Gee, at least that’s over – good old Ahmed at Perfect Pizza eh! What would we have done without his meat grinder?” smirked Dog.
“Yeah, top bloke Ahmed, bit mental though – what kind of sicko uses chopped up human flesh on their pizzas? Must taste awful”
“Yeah, cant be too appetizing. But they say it tastes like Pork” said Dog.
“Say, Sludgey, how’s your team liking that 15 inch Meat Eater?” shouted Gee across the room. “Good meat?”
Tune in next week when The Stingers feed Bernard Matthews to some hungry Turkeys. Just for a laugh.
Wednesday 9 May 2007
8. Nolan Rat Visits NewportDisney
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?
8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.
Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.
On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.
Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007 when The Nolan Sisters were still on speaking terms with Jody, The RAFA Stingers had had just about enough of the pop world. Firstly they had to rescue Mark from the clutches of KajaMcGoogle, then they had Andy kidnapped by some New Romantic types and on top of that there was still the matter of a lawsuit against The Kaiser Chiefs for ripping off the team song and making it a hit. Rudy Rudy Rudy indeed. That’s not really the story so far is it? Its more like this: Zared kidnapped. Stingers must win league to save him. Andy now kidnapped too. Gee kidnaps Graeme Dott. Have you spotted the theme yet?
8. The search for Andy intensified over the week leading up to week 8’s match. But being pretty useless tools, The Stingers were unable to find him and had to admit they may have made some mistakes in the search. Dog had forgotten to send off the teams Duran Duran fanclub application and Gee put his hands up to neglecting to finish his task of phoning every entry in the yellow pages under the heading “Kidnappers and random hostage takers”. Luckily on the morning of the match, Dog received an important phone call. It was only Andy wasn’t it! He’d managed to flee his captors hours earlier as they were recovering from a 72 hour Soft Cell disco weekend. His voice sounded edgy, as you’d expect from someone who had endured 3 days of forced electro pop listening. Although he was free, he was slightly peeved at his team-mates. Not because of the non-existent search and rescue mission, but because his captors had taken the mick out of him for the last week. Why? Because the Stingers had kidnapped someone as uncool as Graeme Dott to replace him! Once Dog calmed him down it became clear that he would not be back in time for the match – he was off to Leicester to kidnap Mark Selby as he was much cooler and pretty handy at that old pool playing malarkey too.
Week 8’s match was a trip into the unknown. The venue was The Red House in the town of Newport Pagnell. In 2007 the town was merely another part of Milton Keynes. By 2012 though it had been bulldozed and turned into Europe’s largest DisneyWorld. The Stingers arrived early that night as was their pre-match tradition. Rudy gave the ‘no queers all clear’ and it was game on. Stinger numbers were alarmingly low again. Lil’ Jamie was otherwise engaged – off hiring a manager to deal with the raft of money games he was getting involved in. Andy, as mentioned, was lying low behind some bushes in Leicestershire. With Mark not due to arrive before Mark O’Clock, it was down to Gee to pull Graeme Dott from out of his cellar and get him to don a mask again. However that plan backfired when the Geester opened his cellar door to discover the dead body of the former world champ. A dozen startled rats fled the corpse as Gee came to terms with the gruesome discovery. It was left to Jody to offer up an explanation as to the final minutes of the Dottster and in doing so the value of reading bizarre gothic websites was uncovered. Jody explained that the high pitched squeaking of the wee cueman may have annoyed the fury vermin – a kind of “Has anyone ever told you that you guys look like Glenn Roeder” taunt in rat language. A plague of rats gnawing at you would be enough to finish you off. Tetchy little creatures aren’t they? Gee agreed it was best if someone else looked after Selby if Andy succeeded.
On the table things started well. Gee opened the batting like Trescothwick without the mental problems. 1-0. The Mysterious one (not mysterious enough to have drifted under the Kokbangers radar – they had already added him to the list of Stingers from whom retribution would be sought if their bet didn’t come in) played as if he was unaware of the threat posed by Mafioso big boys and pulled out a rude dish. The only dish ruder would be one of them novelty plates shaped like an arse. What? You’ve not seen them? Stop shopping in Tescos. 2-0 by the way. Another innocent bystander was put at risk as a new Stinger signing scrambled the third. 3-0 and the name ‘Baz’ was hastily scribbled on the bottom of the Kokbangers hit list. Jody paraded a new tip which meant he could get even more gear on the white. Whilst old whitey was still reeling from effects similar to sea-sickness, the Stingers were pencilling in 4-0. 4-0 was soon to become 5-0 and at Mark O’Clock it ticked over to 6-0. John Smith, together with his mate Mr Smooth, then conspired to jumble up the remaining frames in the mind of the blogger. Fortunately the scorecard read 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11-0 so whatever happened must have been good. And to think they pulled down this town to accommodate Mickey, Goofy and crew.
Tune in next week to see what the Stingers did on their week off. It might involve a challenge match between Merv and Mark Selby. Then again, it might not.
Thursday 3 May 2007
7. Baht's Entertainment
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when kidnapping rent boys was the in-thing with fallen 80’s pop stars, The RAFA Stingers had finally had enough of the kidnapping phenomenon (and just about enough of fallen 80's pop stars too). International Stinger Zared had been kidnapped by Thai hardnuts The Bangkok Kokbangers, Limahl-a-like Mark had recently been rescued from clutches of tribute band KajaMcGoogle and to top it all off Andy was now being held captive by some New Romantic Throwbacks. Karma Chamelon indeed.
7. Two weeks since his disappearance and there was no sign of Andy and no contact from his kidnappers. The Stingers hadn’t just been sitting around toking on a joint all that time, no sir’ee, they were up and about looking for him. Mark was ordered to attend Pink Punters and put his feelers out. Obviously it was too dangerous to let him out in normal attire – didn’t want the boy wonder getting snatched again did we – so he bravely donned a dress, shaved his legs and ventured out as ‘Mary’. Unfortunately the only information gleaned from the exercise was that Mark/Mary had ‘a nice butt’ – courtesy of a bloke called Linda. Jody was also on the case. He was delegated the task of surfing the internets less savoury sites in the hope of finding some link between this New Romantic mob and gay culture. But that all ended in tears when Rudy ate his PC. Dog and Gee just sat around talking at cross purposes about back ache. Gee gave highly specific medical advice coupled with suggested exercise routines to strengthen various muscles. Dog was just wangling for a good old massage. In between the body talk they did agree that they needed a cunning contingency plan for being Andyless come the next match night.
And so match night came. The only piece of communication received in the days leading up to the seventh league game of the season was an email from one of the Bangkok Kokbangers henchmen Atto Khoppanobba. Dog relayed the gist of it to the troops: “They’re concerned about our recent unlucky losses and remind us that big money is a stake. They have given us the best chance possible by eliminating the threat of the Botty Liberation Front and demand a return on their investment”. “Phew, that’s heavy Dog” said Gee, “Any good news?”. “Funny you should mention that Gee, there is a PS at the bottom which indicates Dean The Hairdresser has had a ladyboy operation and is currently prostituting his body for a couple of Baht”.
With that piece of imagery firmly in the Stingers head, the match commenced with two defeats. The cautious start might have also been down to the stroke about to be pulled. A few days earlier Gee had encountered a sorry sight whilst on business in Sheffield. A disconsolate figure was sat on a park bench swigging Special Brew. Gee’s mind went back to just a few months earlier when he was homeless himself and sleeping underneath the table at the RAFA. Approaching the man to give him a fiver he became aware that it wasn’t some smelly tramp but Graeme Dott, the former world snooker champ. Gee did what any caring cue-sports fan would do – he bundled him in the boot of his motor and told him he was playing pool on Tuesday night in the Milton Keynes league. And so frame 3 got underway Graeme Dott v That bloke from the muppetts, darn, what’s his name? Anyways, The Stingers weren’t so silly to tip off the opposition that they had a top notch new signing. No they were much cleverer than that and simply dressed the Dottmeister up in Andys clothes, stuck an Andy mask on him and wrote down Andy on the card. Oh and told him not to speak in that stupid squeaky voice of his. Job done. Except he barely got a shot and was soon back in his chair – all a bit too much like the 2007 worlds for his liking. 0-3 and as bad starts go, this was as bad as it could be. But a swift reminder of the real threat posed by the Kokbangers soon inspired the lads and Jamie, Gee and Mark levelled it. Jamie fell just short of putting the Stingers in the lead but Jody soon had it back to level pegging. Gee and Mark repeated their earlier heroics and that would be that. Except for a Dott 1 visit cameo in the last. Which he lost. Oh well, at least he wasn’t rumbled. See kids, it doesn’t pay to bring in big name players ;)
So two points in the bag, one missing vice skip and the dilemma of what to do with a certain Scottish cueman. If only there was a way of killing two birds with one stone. If only…
Tune in next week when we introduce another puzzling sub-plot into the storyline for no other reason than to make you forget all the other sub-plots that we haven’t put to bed yet.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when kidnapping rent boys was the in-thing with fallen 80’s pop stars, The RAFA Stingers had finally had enough of the kidnapping phenomenon (and just about enough of fallen 80's pop stars too). International Stinger Zared had been kidnapped by Thai hardnuts The Bangkok Kokbangers, Limahl-a-like Mark had recently been rescued from clutches of tribute band KajaMcGoogle and to top it all off Andy was now being held captive by some New Romantic Throwbacks. Karma Chamelon indeed.
7. Two weeks since his disappearance and there was no sign of Andy and no contact from his kidnappers. The Stingers hadn’t just been sitting around toking on a joint all that time, no sir’ee, they were up and about looking for him. Mark was ordered to attend Pink Punters and put his feelers out. Obviously it was too dangerous to let him out in normal attire – didn’t want the boy wonder getting snatched again did we – so he bravely donned a dress, shaved his legs and ventured out as ‘Mary’. Unfortunately the only information gleaned from the exercise was that Mark/Mary had ‘a nice butt’ – courtesy of a bloke called Linda. Jody was also on the case. He was delegated the task of surfing the internets less savoury sites in the hope of finding some link between this New Romantic mob and gay culture. But that all ended in tears when Rudy ate his PC. Dog and Gee just sat around talking at cross purposes about back ache. Gee gave highly specific medical advice coupled with suggested exercise routines to strengthen various muscles. Dog was just wangling for a good old massage. In between the body talk they did agree that they needed a cunning contingency plan for being Andyless come the next match night.
And so match night came. The only piece of communication received in the days leading up to the seventh league game of the season was an email from one of the Bangkok Kokbangers henchmen Atto Khoppanobba. Dog relayed the gist of it to the troops: “They’re concerned about our recent unlucky losses and remind us that big money is a stake. They have given us the best chance possible by eliminating the threat of the Botty Liberation Front and demand a return on their investment”. “Phew, that’s heavy Dog” said Gee, “Any good news?”. “Funny you should mention that Gee, there is a PS at the bottom which indicates Dean The Hairdresser has had a ladyboy operation and is currently prostituting his body for a couple of Baht”.
With that piece of imagery firmly in the Stingers head, the match commenced with two defeats. The cautious start might have also been down to the stroke about to be pulled. A few days earlier Gee had encountered a sorry sight whilst on business in Sheffield. A disconsolate figure was sat on a park bench swigging Special Brew. Gee’s mind went back to just a few months earlier when he was homeless himself and sleeping underneath the table at the RAFA. Approaching the man to give him a fiver he became aware that it wasn’t some smelly tramp but Graeme Dott, the former world snooker champ. Gee did what any caring cue-sports fan would do – he bundled him in the boot of his motor and told him he was playing pool on Tuesday night in the Milton Keynes league. And so frame 3 got underway Graeme Dott v That bloke from the muppetts, darn, what’s his name? Anyways, The Stingers weren’t so silly to tip off the opposition that they had a top notch new signing. No they were much cleverer than that and simply dressed the Dottmeister up in Andys clothes, stuck an Andy mask on him and wrote down Andy on the card. Oh and told him not to speak in that stupid squeaky voice of his. Job done. Except he barely got a shot and was soon back in his chair – all a bit too much like the 2007 worlds for his liking. 0-3 and as bad starts go, this was as bad as it could be. But a swift reminder of the real threat posed by the Kokbangers soon inspired the lads and Jamie, Gee and Mark levelled it. Jamie fell just short of putting the Stingers in the lead but Jody soon had it back to level pegging. Gee and Mark repeated their earlier heroics and that would be that. Except for a Dott 1 visit cameo in the last. Which he lost. Oh well, at least he wasn’t rumbled. See kids, it doesn’t pay to bring in big name players ;)
So two points in the bag, one missing vice skip and the dilemma of what to do with a certain Scottish cueman. If only there was a way of killing two birds with one stone. If only…
Tune in next week when we introduce another puzzling sub-plot into the storyline for no other reason than to make you forget all the other sub-plots that we haven’t put to bed yet.
Thursday 19 April 2007
6. We Cant Take Our Eyes Off The Rottweiler And Kidnapping Combination
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when if your name was Brian you strangely received top marks for not trying, The RAFA Stingers were trying too hard. They were trying to save kidnapped globetrotting Stinger Zared. To achieve this the author of this blog has strangely intertwined saving Zared with winning the Milton Keynes pool league. Despite this being a feat they had achieved a million times previous to 2007 somehow Thai gangsters The Bangkok Kokbangers had got a good price for their £1m wager on such an eventuality. The beauty of fiction eh! Last week the doody had really hit the fan when Leighton Buzzard tribute band KajaMcGoogle had kidnapped the Limahl look-a-like Mark thus causing a shock loss to a bunch considered too ugly to get a part in The Dingle Family. It was quite a good piece of writing actually, you should go back and read it.
6. With Mark in the clutches of some bad people from Bedfordshire, The Stingers spent the week trying to secure his release. The most comforting thing during his days of absence was the assumption that KajaMcGoogle weren’t some rogue UK sleeper cell affiliated to Thai naughty lads The Backalley Boys. The reason for this thinking? Well, if you really wanted to sabotage The Stingers season you’d kidnap one of the good players wouldn’t you? The Stinger think-tank got together and pondered how to get hold of this KajaMawotsit lot. Marks phone was the only known communication channel and it was dead. Several hours of bizarre suggestions from the troops (such as Howling Mad Jody’s pearler “Lets just bomb Leighton Buzzard”) led to nothing. Not even Andy’s secret service connections could help. Dog was on the brink of giving up and had already picked up the yellow pages to seek a replacement player. As he scanned down the ‘Crap Pool Players Who Don’t Have A Team’ listings his attention turned to the opposite page. Jumping off the page under the heading of ‘Crap Pop Tribute Acts’ was an advert for…. KajaMcGoogle.
Tuesday afternoon and The Stingers were leaving it a tad late. The plan was formulated and everyone knew their role. The first fundamental part worked – the KajaMcGoogle tour bus actually turned up. This was a massive relief as the phoney booking for an afternoon gig at The Bletchley Rottweiler Owners Club was at number 1 in the list of ‘things that could go wrong with springing Mark’. At number 2 was ‘Rudy might not be hungry’. Yep, the whole plan revolved around unleashing the power of Rudy The Rottweiler on the unsuspecting fake stars. As the gig kicked into action, The Stingers were surprised to see an unusually large turnout. No advertising had been done for the event, the lads had just hijacked the Over 80’s Tea Dance Club to boost numbers and make it look like a real booking. However, word must have got out about the gig as at least 4 new romantic throwbacks were milling around at the back. Great, KajaMcGoogle had a fan base. The strains of ‘Too Shy’ wafted through the hall to the puzzlement of the octogenarians. Mark’s performance looked forced – as one would expect of an unwilling captive. Just as his strained vocals hit the chorus, Jody shouted the trigger word… GAYS. In a whirl of bloodied limbs, screaming OAPS and missed bassnotes, Mark had been spirited away to the getaway vehicle. As Dog sped off, he caught sight of Rudy and the rest of the team jumping in the 2nd car. But where was Andy?
At the Shack and comparing what they saw, the truth dawned on the Stingers. Gee had seen Andy talking to the New Romantic Throwbacks just prior to the carnage. Jamie had seen two of them grab his arms during the getaway. Jody had also caught a glance of a struggle but unable to help due to being chased by an irate drummer, he only had time to muzzle RTR and jump in getaway car 2. “So then you eejits, we rescue one player and get our Vice Skip kidnapped by another” ranted Dog. “You couldn’t make it up!”.
Weeks 6 match saw some camp lads from Newport Pagnell come to town. The Hustlers had slipped off the ‘winning trophies’ radar by virtue of them never winning. This is one mob that the boys reckoned could have some connection with the Backalley Boys. A second major blow hit the heroes of the piece. No Mervinator. Couple that with no Andy and it meant Dog had to call up a mysterious reserve. The timing of the game was such that everyone present had the pleasure of missing Englands elimination from the 2007 Cricket World Cup. Having invented the game of cricket in 1257, the Stingers were none too pleased, but kept the spirit alive. Dog was bamboozled by an inswinger. 0-1. Jamie saw off a leg break. 1-1. Jody enjoyed a couple of doosra’s, but failed to pass them on for us all to take a puff. 1-2. Mysterious helped The Stingers resemble the England middle order as it went 1-3. A shaken, but not stirred Mark hit through the line for 2-3, whilst Gee lofted one over mid-off (or perhaps over TOBWTMS). 3-3. Jamie hit a boundary (4-3) but Mark was caught playing at a wide one. 4-4. Jody was initially confused by the presence of two Rudy look-alikes, but scampered through for a single. 5-4. Gee was amused by the appearance of Bryan but less pleased at a dodgy lbw decision. 5-5. With the track cutting up, Mark was caught out by a gay daisy cutter which nipped back. 5-6.
Luckily the Stingers were not due back in action for two weeks and hastily began the search for Andy. “Arggggh” screamed Dog. “There’s no category in the Yellow Pages for ‘New Romantic Throwbacks’”.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when if your name was Brian you strangely received top marks for not trying, The RAFA Stingers were trying too hard. They were trying to save kidnapped globetrotting Stinger Zared. To achieve this the author of this blog has strangely intertwined saving Zared with winning the Milton Keynes pool league. Despite this being a feat they had achieved a million times previous to 2007 somehow Thai gangsters The Bangkok Kokbangers had got a good price for their £1m wager on such an eventuality. The beauty of fiction eh! Last week the doody had really hit the fan when Leighton Buzzard tribute band KajaMcGoogle had kidnapped the Limahl look-a-like Mark thus causing a shock loss to a bunch considered too ugly to get a part in The Dingle Family. It was quite a good piece of writing actually, you should go back and read it.
6. With Mark in the clutches of some bad people from Bedfordshire, The Stingers spent the week trying to secure his release. The most comforting thing during his days of absence was the assumption that KajaMcGoogle weren’t some rogue UK sleeper cell affiliated to Thai naughty lads The Backalley Boys. The reason for this thinking? Well, if you really wanted to sabotage The Stingers season you’d kidnap one of the good players wouldn’t you? The Stinger think-tank got together and pondered how to get hold of this KajaMawotsit lot. Marks phone was the only known communication channel and it was dead. Several hours of bizarre suggestions from the troops (such as Howling Mad Jody’s pearler “Lets just bomb Leighton Buzzard”) led to nothing. Not even Andy’s secret service connections could help. Dog was on the brink of giving up and had already picked up the yellow pages to seek a replacement player. As he scanned down the ‘Crap Pool Players Who Don’t Have A Team’ listings his attention turned to the opposite page. Jumping off the page under the heading of ‘Crap Pop Tribute Acts’ was an advert for…. KajaMcGoogle.
Tuesday afternoon and The Stingers were leaving it a tad late. The plan was formulated and everyone knew their role. The first fundamental part worked – the KajaMcGoogle tour bus actually turned up. This was a massive relief as the phoney booking for an afternoon gig at The Bletchley Rottweiler Owners Club was at number 1 in the list of ‘things that could go wrong with springing Mark’. At number 2 was ‘Rudy might not be hungry’. Yep, the whole plan revolved around unleashing the power of Rudy The Rottweiler on the unsuspecting fake stars. As the gig kicked into action, The Stingers were surprised to see an unusually large turnout. No advertising had been done for the event, the lads had just hijacked the Over 80’s Tea Dance Club to boost numbers and make it look like a real booking. However, word must have got out about the gig as at least 4 new romantic throwbacks were milling around at the back. Great, KajaMcGoogle had a fan base. The strains of ‘Too Shy’ wafted through the hall to the puzzlement of the octogenarians. Mark’s performance looked forced – as one would expect of an unwilling captive. Just as his strained vocals hit the chorus, Jody shouted the trigger word… GAYS. In a whirl of bloodied limbs, screaming OAPS and missed bassnotes, Mark had been spirited away to the getaway vehicle. As Dog sped off, he caught sight of Rudy and the rest of the team jumping in the 2nd car. But where was Andy?
At the Shack and comparing what they saw, the truth dawned on the Stingers. Gee had seen Andy talking to the New Romantic Throwbacks just prior to the carnage. Jamie had seen two of them grab his arms during the getaway. Jody had also caught a glance of a struggle but unable to help due to being chased by an irate drummer, he only had time to muzzle RTR and jump in getaway car 2. “So then you eejits, we rescue one player and get our Vice Skip kidnapped by another” ranted Dog. “You couldn’t make it up!”.
Weeks 6 match saw some camp lads from Newport Pagnell come to town. The Hustlers had slipped off the ‘winning trophies’ radar by virtue of them never winning. This is one mob that the boys reckoned could have some connection with the Backalley Boys. A second major blow hit the heroes of the piece. No Mervinator. Couple that with no Andy and it meant Dog had to call up a mysterious reserve. The timing of the game was such that everyone present had the pleasure of missing Englands elimination from the 2007 Cricket World Cup. Having invented the game of cricket in 1257, the Stingers were none too pleased, but kept the spirit alive. Dog was bamboozled by an inswinger. 0-1. Jamie saw off a leg break. 1-1. Jody enjoyed a couple of doosra’s, but failed to pass them on for us all to take a puff. 1-2. Mysterious helped The Stingers resemble the England middle order as it went 1-3. A shaken, but not stirred Mark hit through the line for 2-3, whilst Gee lofted one over mid-off (or perhaps over TOBWTMS). 3-3. Jamie hit a boundary (4-3) but Mark was caught playing at a wide one. 4-4. Jody was initially confused by the presence of two Rudy look-alikes, but scampered through for a single. 5-4. Gee was amused by the appearance of Bryan but less pleased at a dodgy lbw decision. 5-5. With the track cutting up, Mark was caught out by a gay daisy cutter which nipped back. 5-6.
Luckily the Stingers were not due back in action for two weeks and hastily began the search for Andy. “Arggggh” screamed Dog. “There’s no category in the Yellow Pages for ‘New Romantic Throwbacks’”.
Friday 13 April 2007
5. Celebrity Fit Club
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Goat was declared the ‘New Chicken’, The RAFA Stingers were unmoved by low fat meat issues. Their main man, Zared (hereafter abbreviated to Z) had been kidnapped in Thailand by The Bangkok Kokbangers (BK). BK placed a £1,000,000 bet on the Stingers winning the league. If they failed, Z gets turned into a ladyboy and BK come after the Stingers for partial repayment. BK’s bookie lays off the bet to the Backalley Boys (BB) who have massive UK influence via sleeper cells like the Pink Punters (PP) and the Botty Liberation Front (BLF). BLF leave a candid message prompting the Stingers to re-sign former figure of fun Rudy The Rottweiler (RTR) as head of security. Emails from Z reveal he had gained the trust of the BK with his hustling ability. Meanwhile the Stingers find out the head of the BLF was none other than Dean the Hairdresser (DTH) from the Cricketers. He was last heard of at Bangkok airport where he failed to board his connection flight to Australia. So what’s the story with the BK v BB? Do the BLF still exist? Where do the PP come into this? Are they all scared of RTR? What happened to DTH? Have we only abbreviated Zared to ‘Z’ because Thais can’t pronounce Z’s or R’s correctly? Can the Stingers save ‘Salad’?
5. There isn’t any salad for a trip to the Vic. A little known fact was that this pub and its players inspired the hit TV show ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. General consensus at the time was that they had actually been the inspiration for the Dingle family in Emmerdale – a mildly successful soap from the early ‘Nought-ies’. Not that anyone watched TV in 2007. Especially not Z. The lad had managed to get an email out during the week leading up to week 5’s game. And if you’ve read 3.01 you’ll know what he had to do to earn that right! Z relayed news of the BK’s activities. He’d heard the BK’s were none too pleased at the BB’s attempts to sabotage the bet. So much so that they had stepped in to snuff out the threat of the BLF. From the snippets of Thai he could understand from his captors, Z was sure that the head of the BLF had been transported to Bangkok and undergone ladyboy operations. If only he knew it was DTH hey readers! He signed off wishing the Stingers luck and warning that although the BLF might have been ‘sorted’ the BK’s were ultra paranoid about the numerous other BB connections in the UK might try to intervene in the title charge.
So to the match. A handy opening had seen Winston Dingle, Sam Dingle, Shiny Dingle and Zack Dingle disposed of early doors. But something was not right. The Magic Hedgehog – Mark – was even later than normal. A sick Jody was called upon but worry started to creep in when the hallucinogenic contents of his medication kicked in a little too early. The boy was so confused he started striking the centre of the white ball. Disaster. Worse was to follow. Mark was contacted by phone. His voice was strangely distant. Had he just woken up? As the conversation with his skipper continued it became clear that his words were being dictated to him. Had Mrs Mark got a grip on his goolies? Unlikely – his voice was still low enough to rule out testicular interference. Was this actually Mark or a voice recording of his favourite sayings? Some of the answers suggested that – “I’ll be there at 8.30”, “Have you got enough players?”, “Can’t you get my Dad to play?” – but other utterings suggested otherwise, especially “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a round when I get there”. The conversation ended abruptly. The Stingers weren’t happy with this and were sure something was going down. The sharply tuned ears of Gee got on the case. After 10 attempts he got through to Marks mobile. He too was met by garbled answers. Some were hard to make out due to fairly loud music in the background. Then something freaky occurred. A different voice came on the line and declared “We have him now. And we’re keeping him. ha ha ha ha”. Just before the line went dead, Gee was sure he heard Mark scream the words “Leighton Buzzard”. What could it all mean?
The worry of another missing hero affected the match. The Vic, aided mostly by Sam Dingle and I Have A Very Small Dingle, got all the run and won. Shit. But there were larger issues to resolve. With the BLF sorted, who would take Mark? Was this a new bunch of desperados? Were they known to the BK’s? Would they be after more Stingers? Suddenly, Gee jumped to his feet. “Dog, I think I’ve got it – the music gave it away”. Gee outlined his thoughts on who had Mark. The music in the background was the catchy 80’s Number 1 hit ‘Too Shy’. It was not being played from a CD – it was a live band playing it. Mark was being held in Leighton Buzzard. It’s OBVIOUS! Mark had been kidnapped by Bedfordshire’s finest pop exports Kajagoogoo due to his likeness to lead singer Limahl.
“Great thinking Gee” said Dog. “But I fear it’s worse than that. All the members of Kajagoogoo have long since left Leighton Buzzard for sunnier climes. If my instincts are correct, he’s been picked up by their tribute band…
…. KajaMcGoogle”
Needless to say, you’ll have to come back next week to read more. Unless you’re wayyyyyy behind with your reading, in which case the next article is above.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Goat was declared the ‘New Chicken’, The RAFA Stingers were unmoved by low fat meat issues. Their main man, Zared (hereafter abbreviated to Z) had been kidnapped in Thailand by The Bangkok Kokbangers (BK). BK placed a £1,000,000 bet on the Stingers winning the league. If they failed, Z gets turned into a ladyboy and BK come after the Stingers for partial repayment. BK’s bookie lays off the bet to the Backalley Boys (BB) who have massive UK influence via sleeper cells like the Pink Punters (PP) and the Botty Liberation Front (BLF). BLF leave a candid message prompting the Stingers to re-sign former figure of fun Rudy The Rottweiler (RTR) as head of security. Emails from Z reveal he had gained the trust of the BK with his hustling ability. Meanwhile the Stingers find out the head of the BLF was none other than Dean the Hairdresser (DTH) from the Cricketers. He was last heard of at Bangkok airport where he failed to board his connection flight to Australia. So what’s the story with the BK v BB? Do the BLF still exist? Where do the PP come into this? Are they all scared of RTR? What happened to DTH? Have we only abbreviated Zared to ‘Z’ because Thais can’t pronounce Z’s or R’s correctly? Can the Stingers save ‘Salad’?
5. There isn’t any salad for a trip to the Vic. A little known fact was that this pub and its players inspired the hit TV show ‘Celebrity Fit Club’. General consensus at the time was that they had actually been the inspiration for the Dingle family in Emmerdale – a mildly successful soap from the early ‘Nought-ies’. Not that anyone watched TV in 2007. Especially not Z. The lad had managed to get an email out during the week leading up to week 5’s game. And if you’ve read 3.01 you’ll know what he had to do to earn that right! Z relayed news of the BK’s activities. He’d heard the BK’s were none too pleased at the BB’s attempts to sabotage the bet. So much so that they had stepped in to snuff out the threat of the BLF. From the snippets of Thai he could understand from his captors, Z was sure that the head of the BLF had been transported to Bangkok and undergone ladyboy operations. If only he knew it was DTH hey readers! He signed off wishing the Stingers luck and warning that although the BLF might have been ‘sorted’ the BK’s were ultra paranoid about the numerous other BB connections in the UK might try to intervene in the title charge.
So to the match. A handy opening had seen Winston Dingle, Sam Dingle, Shiny Dingle and Zack Dingle disposed of early doors. But something was not right. The Magic Hedgehog – Mark – was even later than normal. A sick Jody was called upon but worry started to creep in when the hallucinogenic contents of his medication kicked in a little too early. The boy was so confused he started striking the centre of the white ball. Disaster. Worse was to follow. Mark was contacted by phone. His voice was strangely distant. Had he just woken up? As the conversation with his skipper continued it became clear that his words were being dictated to him. Had Mrs Mark got a grip on his goolies? Unlikely – his voice was still low enough to rule out testicular interference. Was this actually Mark or a voice recording of his favourite sayings? Some of the answers suggested that – “I’ll be there at 8.30”, “Have you got enough players?”, “Can’t you get my Dad to play?” – but other utterings suggested otherwise, especially “Don’t worry, I’ll buy a round when I get there”. The conversation ended abruptly. The Stingers weren’t happy with this and were sure something was going down. The sharply tuned ears of Gee got on the case. After 10 attempts he got through to Marks mobile. He too was met by garbled answers. Some were hard to make out due to fairly loud music in the background. Then something freaky occurred. A different voice came on the line and declared “We have him now. And we’re keeping him. ha ha ha ha”. Just before the line went dead, Gee was sure he heard Mark scream the words “Leighton Buzzard”. What could it all mean?
The worry of another missing hero affected the match. The Vic, aided mostly by Sam Dingle and I Have A Very Small Dingle, got all the run and won. Shit. But there were larger issues to resolve. With the BLF sorted, who would take Mark? Was this a new bunch of desperados? Were they known to the BK’s? Would they be after more Stingers? Suddenly, Gee jumped to his feet. “Dog, I think I’ve got it – the music gave it away”. Gee outlined his thoughts on who had Mark. The music in the background was the catchy 80’s Number 1 hit ‘Too Shy’. It was not being played from a CD – it was a live band playing it. Mark was being held in Leighton Buzzard. It’s OBVIOUS! Mark had been kidnapped by Bedfordshire’s finest pop exports Kajagoogoo due to his likeness to lead singer Limahl.
“Great thinking Gee” said Dog. “But I fear it’s worse than that. All the members of Kajagoogoo have long since left Leighton Buzzard for sunnier climes. If my instincts are correct, he’s been picked up by their tribute band…
…. KajaMcGoogle”
Needless to say, you’ll have to come back next week to read more. Unless you’re wayyyyyy behind with your reading, in which case the next article is above.
Wednesday 4 April 2007
4. Do You Have This In Large Print?
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when joy riding your frigate in Iranian waters was a bad idea, The RAFA Stingers were unconcerned with matters of naval kidnapping. Those magnificent men in their flying machines were desperately trying to win a 4th consecutive league title to secure the release of their kidnapped ‘Man in Havana’ (editors note: Man in Chiang Mai, get an atlas dude). Full plot, sub-plot, sub-sub-plot and, if such a word exists, sub-sub-sub-plot can be found in previous postings. Even if you read it you probably won’t have a clue what’s going on…
4. Sinister stuff. To give some background about how this blog came into being – in 2015 a risky mission in deepest darkest Bletchley led the Stingers back to their old haunt. Howling Mad Jody would not be calmed until he had broken into the derelict shack that was once the Royal Air Force Association Club. He was adamant (as in ‘convinced’ rather than the painted 80’s singer ‘Adam Ant’) that he had lost a tip there in 2009. Surprisingly the company that used to produce 3mm Buffalo Pig Alligator Donkey Skin tips (AKA 4 Skin tips) had gone bust, so it was deemed a worthwhile use of an afternoon. Whilst Jody carried out a finger tip search of the dusty ruin, the rest of the Stingers mulled around admiring the rusting trophies that invariably belonged to them. An impromptu game of pool seemed a good idea, except for the fact that the table had to be rebuilt first. Just as the lads were about to place the warped slate onto the rickety body, Dog stopped proceedings. There in the innards of the table was something he’d thought he’d never see again – The Stinger Results Tome. This manky old yellow paged book provided every result from, errr, the beginning until 2010. Complete with notes of a miscellaneous nature – Marks out of 10 for the team groupies, Record times for the 8 Spirit Challenge etc – this compendium provides the back-bone for this blog.
So where did 3.02 go? This is the sinister part. Leafing back to the well thumbed 2007 season chapter, there’s half a page missing. At the top is written “3.02 – Singles week 2” and underneath is written the word “FRANK” in huge letters. With notes on subsequent pages revealing Dog was steaming drunk for the duration of March 2007, it could have meant anything. You’ll just have to read on to find out whether it’s a relevant sub-sub-sub-sub plot or a herring of a reddish hue.
Anyway, where is the story at the moment? Ah yes, season 2007 week 4 and the Stingers descended on The Cricketers for perhaps their toughest test yet. A few weeks earlier the lads had received a mysterious hand-written message from a mob called ‘The Botty Liberation Front’. An eerie silence had followed it. There had been no ‘offer’. No communication, nothing. Could these gimps have been scared off by the addition of a Rottweiler to the Stinger’s security? Could they be biding their time waiting for the right moment to make a move? Could the Kokbangers have already snuffed out this particular threat to ensure a free run at the title for the Stingers? One things for sure – lose this game and both the bet and Zared’s dangly bits were in danger.
Dog somehow gets a second chance after rattling a simple one. 1-0. Jamie also goes in for a bit of ‘easy ball rattling’ but similarly gets away with it. 2-0. Hell, even Mark decides he’ll throw in the odd miss and, yep you’ve guessed it, he got away with it. 3-0. Andy’s opponent doesn’t subscribe to ‘Three Chance Tuesday’ magazine. It’s thought his chosen reading was ‘Dish Up Daily’. 3-1. Gee’s favoured literature (‘How To Cling On Bravely to Your 100% Record and Other Short Stories’) was found to have been due back at the library last week. 3-2 and a nominal fine. Jody, fresh from reading and forgetting the content of ‘Plain Ball Monthly’, takes out a finish when it’s presented and its 4-2. Jamie went to school in Bletchley so cannot read. So his choice of book was the ‘Position By Numbers Colouring Book’. 5-2. Mark didn’t get a chance to thumb through his literary choice – ‘Two Shots On Your Last Ball Means You Should Win Numpty’ – as it was inserted somewhere he couldn’t see. Sideways. 5-3. Dog puts the books back on the shelf and falls over the line. 6-3. Gee offers them all outside – they decline – so he wins instead. 7-3. Jody just showboats. Plain Ball Monthly my arse. 8-3.
And so the title tilt continued apace. The Cricketers declared they would have won if they had their full squad. Unfortunately, Dean the Hairdresser had fled the country a few weeks previous. He departed very quickly for Australia one morning leaving only an IOU for, well, everything he owed really. He’d also kindly left a “Beat them bloody Stingers” message for his team which now sat forlornly on the notice board being mocked by random Stingers. Apart from one eagle eyed RAFA-ite who noticed the handwriting was familiar… Bolton was the Botty Liberation Boy. Chapdog’s contacts at Heathrow confirmed a fella with his trousers halfway down his arse had boarded a flight to Oz two weeks earlier. The same passenger however had not reached the destination and was thought to have failed to re-board after the Bangkok stop over! The plot thickens…
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when joy riding your frigate in Iranian waters was a bad idea, The RAFA Stingers were unconcerned with matters of naval kidnapping. Those magnificent men in their flying machines were desperately trying to win a 4th consecutive league title to secure the release of their kidnapped ‘Man in Havana’ (editors note: Man in Chiang Mai, get an atlas dude). Full plot, sub-plot, sub-sub-plot and, if such a word exists, sub-sub-sub-plot can be found in previous postings. Even if you read it you probably won’t have a clue what’s going on…
4. Sinister stuff. To give some background about how this blog came into being – in 2015 a risky mission in deepest darkest Bletchley led the Stingers back to their old haunt. Howling Mad Jody would not be calmed until he had broken into the derelict shack that was once the Royal Air Force Association Club. He was adamant (as in ‘convinced’ rather than the painted 80’s singer ‘Adam Ant’) that he had lost a tip there in 2009. Surprisingly the company that used to produce 3mm Buffalo Pig Alligator Donkey Skin tips (AKA 4 Skin tips) had gone bust, so it was deemed a worthwhile use of an afternoon. Whilst Jody carried out a finger tip search of the dusty ruin, the rest of the Stingers mulled around admiring the rusting trophies that invariably belonged to them. An impromptu game of pool seemed a good idea, except for the fact that the table had to be rebuilt first. Just as the lads were about to place the warped slate onto the rickety body, Dog stopped proceedings. There in the innards of the table was something he’d thought he’d never see again – The Stinger Results Tome. This manky old yellow paged book provided every result from, errr, the beginning until 2010. Complete with notes of a miscellaneous nature – Marks out of 10 for the team groupies, Record times for the 8 Spirit Challenge etc – this compendium provides the back-bone for this blog.
So where did 3.02 go? This is the sinister part. Leafing back to the well thumbed 2007 season chapter, there’s half a page missing. At the top is written “3.02 – Singles week 2” and underneath is written the word “FRANK” in huge letters. With notes on subsequent pages revealing Dog was steaming drunk for the duration of March 2007, it could have meant anything. You’ll just have to read on to find out whether it’s a relevant sub-sub-sub-sub plot or a herring of a reddish hue.
Anyway, where is the story at the moment? Ah yes, season 2007 week 4 and the Stingers descended on The Cricketers for perhaps their toughest test yet. A few weeks earlier the lads had received a mysterious hand-written message from a mob called ‘The Botty Liberation Front’. An eerie silence had followed it. There had been no ‘offer’. No communication, nothing. Could these gimps have been scared off by the addition of a Rottweiler to the Stinger’s security? Could they be biding their time waiting for the right moment to make a move? Could the Kokbangers have already snuffed out this particular threat to ensure a free run at the title for the Stingers? One things for sure – lose this game and both the bet and Zared’s dangly bits were in danger.
Dog somehow gets a second chance after rattling a simple one. 1-0. Jamie also goes in for a bit of ‘easy ball rattling’ but similarly gets away with it. 2-0. Hell, even Mark decides he’ll throw in the odd miss and, yep you’ve guessed it, he got away with it. 3-0. Andy’s opponent doesn’t subscribe to ‘Three Chance Tuesday’ magazine. It’s thought his chosen reading was ‘Dish Up Daily’. 3-1. Gee’s favoured literature (‘How To Cling On Bravely to Your 100% Record and Other Short Stories’) was found to have been due back at the library last week. 3-2 and a nominal fine. Jody, fresh from reading and forgetting the content of ‘Plain Ball Monthly’, takes out a finish when it’s presented and its 4-2. Jamie went to school in Bletchley so cannot read. So his choice of book was the ‘Position By Numbers Colouring Book’. 5-2. Mark didn’t get a chance to thumb through his literary choice – ‘Two Shots On Your Last Ball Means You Should Win Numpty’ – as it was inserted somewhere he couldn’t see. Sideways. 5-3. Dog puts the books back on the shelf and falls over the line. 6-3. Gee offers them all outside – they decline – so he wins instead. 7-3. Jody just showboats. Plain Ball Monthly my arse. 8-3.
And so the title tilt continued apace. The Cricketers declared they would have won if they had their full squad. Unfortunately, Dean the Hairdresser had fled the country a few weeks previous. He departed very quickly for Australia one morning leaving only an IOU for, well, everything he owed really. He’d also kindly left a “Beat them bloody Stingers” message for his team which now sat forlornly on the notice board being mocked by random Stingers. Apart from one eagle eyed RAFA-ite who noticed the handwriting was familiar… Bolton was the Botty Liberation Boy. Chapdog’s contacts at Heathrow confirmed a fella with his trousers halfway down his arse had boarded a flight to Oz two weeks earlier. The same passenger however had not reached the destination and was thought to have failed to re-board after the Bangkok stop over! The plot thickens…
Thursday 22 March 2007
3.01 Watch It Don't Give You A Hernia
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Muffin the Mule was a fondly remember childrens programme rather than a vile reality TV show set in London Zoo, The RAFA Stingers were not ones for sitting in watching the box. They were caught up in a tangled web of illegal betting scams, kidnapping, dodgy Asian Mafioso dealings and the trafficking of ferocious animals. Quite deep shit for a mob that previously had only stolen the odd shopping trolley from ASDA. For the full baffling plot read the previous posts – they’re even numbered for you. How good is that!
3.01. After 3 opening wins, The Stingers had set a good pace at the top of the table and were in confident mood of landing the Bangkok Kokbangers bet and thus securing the safe return of Zared. A couple of weeks of Singles competition meant a break from the stresses of mafia gratification. Or it would have but for communication from North Thailand. Despite being held captive it appeared Zared had been allowed an enormous amount of freedom on the back of his Stingers title tip. To say his captors were impressed by his knowledge of the game would be an understatement. They issued him with a quartet of pool playing gang members and sent him out hustling. These gang members just so happened to be voluptuous Thai beauties which made for great hustling. And being all trained in martial arts there was little chance of getting done over – except if he tried to escape.
Just receiving this email was a boost to The Stingers. But how had he managed to get it sent? As the correspondence went on it became clear Zared wasn’t as free as it seemed. The girls kept tabs on his every move, with two always on night duty whilst he slept – accompanied by the other two of course. To obtain the freedom to watch some western TV, drink some beer or send an email home he had to earn the right. TV involving giving one of the girls a seeing to, beer meant 2 of them had to get it whilst an email was earned by doing the whole lot. There was a tear in the Stingers eye at the dedication of their man. Four shags to send them an email. What a servant. The email finished “It might be a while before I contact you again. I’m sure you understand guys. One last thing, I’ve advised one bet to my hosts for the singles. Make sure D. Morgan….”. And with that the text stopped. Had the dopey git pressed ‘send’ a bit early? Had the girls censored the remainder? What bet could he have recommended? And more to the point – which D Morgan???????
Dog, Chapdog and Minimcgoogle spent that evening puzzling the problem down ‘The Shack’. Surely Zared couldn’t have been advocating a bet on big Dave? And he was just as unlikely to be tipping young Dan from mid-table ex-rivals The Hustlers. Dan had about a million Mcgogles to see off in the tough part of the draw and Dave was a million to one. Of course he could have just recommended a first round match bet on either of them. The uncertainty of it all weighed heavily on the Stingers minds. So much so that their practice night was ruined by a rampant newcomer dishing their asses off. He was duly signed up.
The Mervinator – aka The Barman Formerly Known as Merv – had shown promise before. At the Prestatyn Welsh Festival of Billiards in 1957 to be precise. But 50 years later he reached his true peak. Having given up on his dream of making the Welsh pool team, he re-adjusted his aims to ‘beating the Tuesday team’. That fateful evening he reached his zenith. Dish after dish sending whippersnapper after whippersnapper back to his seat. Was this the moment that The Stingers had unearthed a hidden gem that was underneath their noses all the time? Or was it to be another ‘Darren Cobley’ moment – a signing on the back of a couple of good frames and some bluster? Could the Stingers be so cruel as to drag an old man in need of a triple hernia operation into the line of fire with the threat of multiple Asian gangs hanging over them? Tune in for the next episode when another new recruit joins and the complicated plots becomes a bit more muddied.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when Muffin the Mule was a fondly remember childrens programme rather than a vile reality TV show set in London Zoo, The RAFA Stingers were not ones for sitting in watching the box. They were caught up in a tangled web of illegal betting scams, kidnapping, dodgy Asian Mafioso dealings and the trafficking of ferocious animals. Quite deep shit for a mob that previously had only stolen the odd shopping trolley from ASDA. For the full baffling plot read the previous posts – they’re even numbered for you. How good is that!
3.01. After 3 opening wins, The Stingers had set a good pace at the top of the table and were in confident mood of landing the Bangkok Kokbangers bet and thus securing the safe return of Zared. A couple of weeks of Singles competition meant a break from the stresses of mafia gratification. Or it would have but for communication from North Thailand. Despite being held captive it appeared Zared had been allowed an enormous amount of freedom on the back of his Stingers title tip. To say his captors were impressed by his knowledge of the game would be an understatement. They issued him with a quartet of pool playing gang members and sent him out hustling. These gang members just so happened to be voluptuous Thai beauties which made for great hustling. And being all trained in martial arts there was little chance of getting done over – except if he tried to escape.
Just receiving this email was a boost to The Stingers. But how had he managed to get it sent? As the correspondence went on it became clear Zared wasn’t as free as it seemed. The girls kept tabs on his every move, with two always on night duty whilst he slept – accompanied by the other two of course. To obtain the freedom to watch some western TV, drink some beer or send an email home he had to earn the right. TV involving giving one of the girls a seeing to, beer meant 2 of them had to get it whilst an email was earned by doing the whole lot. There was a tear in the Stingers eye at the dedication of their man. Four shags to send them an email. What a servant. The email finished “It might be a while before I contact you again. I’m sure you understand guys. One last thing, I’ve advised one bet to my hosts for the singles. Make sure D. Morgan….”. And with that the text stopped. Had the dopey git pressed ‘send’ a bit early? Had the girls censored the remainder? What bet could he have recommended? And more to the point – which D Morgan???????
Dog, Chapdog and Minimcgoogle spent that evening puzzling the problem down ‘The Shack’. Surely Zared couldn’t have been advocating a bet on big Dave? And he was just as unlikely to be tipping young Dan from mid-table ex-rivals The Hustlers. Dan had about a million Mcgogles to see off in the tough part of the draw and Dave was a million to one. Of course he could have just recommended a first round match bet on either of them. The uncertainty of it all weighed heavily on the Stingers minds. So much so that their practice night was ruined by a rampant newcomer dishing their asses off. He was duly signed up.
The Mervinator – aka The Barman Formerly Known as Merv – had shown promise before. At the Prestatyn Welsh Festival of Billiards in 1957 to be precise. But 50 years later he reached his true peak. Having given up on his dream of making the Welsh pool team, he re-adjusted his aims to ‘beating the Tuesday team’. That fateful evening he reached his zenith. Dish after dish sending whippersnapper after whippersnapper back to his seat. Was this the moment that The Stingers had unearthed a hidden gem that was underneath their noses all the time? Or was it to be another ‘Darren Cobley’ moment – a signing on the back of a couple of good frames and some bluster? Could the Stingers be so cruel as to drag an old man in need of a triple hernia operation into the line of fire with the threat of multiple Asian gangs hanging over them? Tune in for the next episode when another new recruit joins and the complicated plots becomes a bit more muddied.
Wednesday 14 March 2007
3. Rudy The Red Nose Rottweiler (And Other Maulings)
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when marrying your pet Chihuahua was still illegal, The RAFA Stingers were not interested in inter-species affairs. Their main man, Zared, had been kidnapped by mobsters The Bangkok Kokbangers. In a series of events too complex to explain in this little red bit (you really should read all the posts you lazy git) The Stingers were caught in the middle of a massive wager between The Kokbangers and The Backalley Boys. Basically, if you’re still keeping track, a league title was required to land the Kokbangers gamble and free Zared, but some Backalley sabotage was expected and inevitable – especially as they had like a gazillion sleeper cells in Milton Keynes alone. Week 3 and so far, so good…
3. Next up in the quest to save Zared was a Stinger home tie against some randoms from Bradwell Village. All the lads were extra vigilant and casting an eye out for anything or anyone who looked ‘slightly gay’. Anyone with a Pink Punter membership card was to be avoided like an invite round to Jodys for Mushroom soup. The previous week’s correspondence from the mysterious Botty Liberation Front was enough to initiate preventative measures from The Stingers. Although they had not been in contact to ‘make an offer’, there was little doubt that any offer they had to make would go down as well as Dog turning up and saying “Lads, I’d like you to welcome our new signing – Dennis O’Sullivan”. So on that sweltering spring evening – Merv had the heating up full, probably cant afford to at home – Dog walks in and says “Lads, I’d like you welcome our new signing…
…Rudy the Rottweiler”. Now Rudy should need no introduction to blog-heads. A true living legend from the world of funny pool related websites. Born as Rudolpho Valerie Rottweiler to Russian parents, he spent his formative years being teased at Rotty school for his gay name. This turned him into a nasty homophobe, which was a shame really because he wasn’t getting any pussy either. Therefore his hit-list read something like this:-
1. Gays
2. Pussies
3. All canine life
4. All things living in general
2007 was actually a pretty good year for Rudy. His temper was relatively under control - only 2 ‘hits’ in the entire year and one of those survived albeit in a vegetative state. Of course 2008 was a bit of a downer for the ‘Rude’ one. The infamous ‘Maul in the Mall’ incident at The Centre:MK is one memory we’d rather not have of the big fella. I can still see the severed limbs to this day. Carnage in Waterstones. Getting Garfield and Graham Norton to do a joint book signing was a pretty rank idea anyway.
So with the re-signing of the formerly retired one bolstering the playing staff and also doubling as head of security, the Stingers welcomed a suspicious bunch to the Shack. They went by the name of The Village People and, well, there was something not quite right with them. The trouble was no-one could put their finger on it. Could they have Backalley Boys/Botty Liberation Front ties? Surely they’d give themselves away. First up Dog put the Stingers 1-0 up against some guy straight off a construction site. The old Dog-Jamie 1-2 didn’t quite materialise this week as the little fella lost to a police officer. Gee wasn’t ready to relinquish his 100% record as he saw off an Indian chief before Jody beat off a member of the military. Not for the first time in his life either. Allegedly. 3-1 Stingers. Andy and Mark took out some sailors, before Doggy got broke and dished on. 5-2 then and what better way to get to six than witness a Mark exhibition. Right? Wrong! The sheer scale of his capitulation to some geezer dressed as a cowboy – even though it was 10 years ago now – may never be captured perfectly in the written word. Top Oxford University literature bods have tried and failed to paint the story in print. There’s no chance an under educated gimp from Deanshanger could begin to do it justice. Lets just say Bollocks. 5-3.
So you’re struggling to kill a side off at 5-3, your 9th man (Jamie) has had a bit of bad running (snookering himself splitting a bad ball) and misjudged the first visit of two. You’re in trouble, you’re the onlooking capitano, what do you do? Well, Dog went for a slash and by the time he got back some silly in-off had handed Jamie a plop in. Lovely. 6-3 and Zared’s plight remained in Stinger hands. As the last two frames were played out and shared, Dog and the boys racked their brains as to the reason why the opposition looked suspicious. There must be a clue. If only the Stingers club-mates and cohorts the 'RAFA Rangers' were there. In 2007 they were at the peak of the age/wisdom graph (before the steady decline into senility and crapping their pants in public). Sadly, the Rangers were all seen earlier that night ‘In the Navy’ (Club). Bereft of ideas linking The Village People to any kind of gayness, The Stingers decided it was time to call it a day. And not before time, that bloody Rottweiler had been barking his head off since the start of the game. Must have seen a cat.
The Story So Far: Back in the year 2007, when marrying your pet Chihuahua was still illegal, The RAFA Stingers were not interested in inter-species affairs. Their main man, Zared, had been kidnapped by mobsters The Bangkok Kokbangers. In a series of events too complex to explain in this little red bit (you really should read all the posts you lazy git) The Stingers were caught in the middle of a massive wager between The Kokbangers and The Backalley Boys. Basically, if you’re still keeping track, a league title was required to land the Kokbangers gamble and free Zared, but some Backalley sabotage was expected and inevitable – especially as they had like a gazillion sleeper cells in Milton Keynes alone. Week 3 and so far, so good…
3. Next up in the quest to save Zared was a Stinger home tie against some randoms from Bradwell Village. All the lads were extra vigilant and casting an eye out for anything or anyone who looked ‘slightly gay’. Anyone with a Pink Punter membership card was to be avoided like an invite round to Jodys for Mushroom soup. The previous week’s correspondence from the mysterious Botty Liberation Front was enough to initiate preventative measures from The Stingers. Although they had not been in contact to ‘make an offer’, there was little doubt that any offer they had to make would go down as well as Dog turning up and saying “Lads, I’d like you to welcome our new signing – Dennis O’Sullivan”. So on that sweltering spring evening – Merv had the heating up full, probably cant afford to at home – Dog walks in and says “Lads, I’d like you welcome our new signing…
…Rudy the Rottweiler”. Now Rudy should need no introduction to blog-heads. A true living legend from the world of funny pool related websites. Born as Rudolpho Valerie Rottweiler to Russian parents, he spent his formative years being teased at Rotty school for his gay name. This turned him into a nasty homophobe, which was a shame really because he wasn’t getting any pussy either. Therefore his hit-list read something like this:-
1. Gays
2. Pussies
3. All canine life
4. All things living in general
2007 was actually a pretty good year for Rudy. His temper was relatively under control - only 2 ‘hits’ in the entire year and one of those survived albeit in a vegetative state. Of course 2008 was a bit of a downer for the ‘Rude’ one. The infamous ‘Maul in the Mall’ incident at The Centre:MK is one memory we’d rather not have of the big fella. I can still see the severed limbs to this day. Carnage in Waterstones. Getting Garfield and Graham Norton to do a joint book signing was a pretty rank idea anyway.
So with the re-signing of the formerly retired one bolstering the playing staff and also doubling as head of security, the Stingers welcomed a suspicious bunch to the Shack. They went by the name of The Village People and, well, there was something not quite right with them. The trouble was no-one could put their finger on it. Could they have Backalley Boys/Botty Liberation Front ties? Surely they’d give themselves away. First up Dog put the Stingers 1-0 up against some guy straight off a construction site. The old Dog-Jamie 1-2 didn’t quite materialise this week as the little fella lost to a police officer. Gee wasn’t ready to relinquish his 100% record as he saw off an Indian chief before Jody beat off a member of the military. Not for the first time in his life either. Allegedly. 3-1 Stingers. Andy and Mark took out some sailors, before Doggy got broke and dished on. 5-2 then and what better way to get to six than witness a Mark exhibition. Right? Wrong! The sheer scale of his capitulation to some geezer dressed as a cowboy – even though it was 10 years ago now – may never be captured perfectly in the written word. Top Oxford University literature bods have tried and failed to paint the story in print. There’s no chance an under educated gimp from Deanshanger could begin to do it justice. Lets just say Bollocks. 5-3.
So you’re struggling to kill a side off at 5-3, your 9th man (Jamie) has had a bit of bad running (snookering himself splitting a bad ball) and misjudged the first visit of two. You’re in trouble, you’re the onlooking capitano, what do you do? Well, Dog went for a slash and by the time he got back some silly in-off had handed Jamie a plop in. Lovely. 6-3 and Zared’s plight remained in Stinger hands. As the last two frames were played out and shared, Dog and the boys racked their brains as to the reason why the opposition looked suspicious. There must be a clue. If only the Stingers club-mates and cohorts the 'RAFA Rangers' were there. In 2007 they were at the peak of the age/wisdom graph (before the steady decline into senility and crapping their pants in public). Sadly, the Rangers were all seen earlier that night ‘In the Navy’ (Club). Bereft of ideas linking The Village People to any kind of gayness, The Stingers decided it was time to call it a day. And not before time, that bloody Rottweiler had been barking his head off since the start of the game. Must have seen a cat.
Wednesday 7 March 2007
2. Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Beware The Queers
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
The Story So Far: Back in the year of our lord, 2007, them former playboy heroes turned underworld fugitives, The RAFA Stingers, were embarking on a quest to save an erstwhile colleague. Zared had been kidnapped by mobsters The Bangkok Kokbangers, who subsequently bet huge amounts on a Stingers league title. To avoid seeing the Stinger legend mutated into a ladyboy and put to work on the Bangkok streets, the Stingers had to seal a 4th consecutive title. One week in everything was going to plan…
Week 2. Dog made contact with his team in the days leading up to the second match of the season. He brought more news from the far east. The bookie who had taken the £1,000,000 bet on a Stinger league title had got twitchy in the wake of week 1’s easy win. He had laid off much of the liability to the Kokbangers underworld rivals – The Backalley Boys. Although not so powerful in Bangkok where the Kokbangers ruled supreme, the Backalley Boys had their figures in all sorts of pies in the UK. They pretty much controlled the Gay nightclub scene and with the English pool circuit at the time being gayer than a night out with Clary, Norton and Barrymore, it spelt one thing – trouble. Some of the team couldn’t grasp the importance of this development. Dog explained that every gay in the league would be out to sabotage the Stinger title quest. Anyone with a Pink Punter membership card would be on orders to play their best. By that premise, anyone playing their best MUST be a Pink Punter.
Conspiracy theories were put to one side for the visit to Roman Park Residents Club. But on arrival the paranoia came rushing back. The table was in a foyer. Not even in the bar. What was that about? Had the Backalley Boys ordered it to be moved knowing the Stingers couldn’t survive without alcohol close at hand? On top of that, the Stingers were seeing (or rather not seeing) red balls on a red cloth. Eh? With the Roman Park mob being a few years younger, was this a ploy to gain an advantage in the eyesight stakes? The final straw was that the place was ‘No Smoking’. Once the paramedics had calmed Jody’s epileptic fit and made sure no more convulsions were forthcoming, Chapdog pointed out that they only had a few yards to walk for a swift fag. Jody’s condition subsided to ‘distinctly edgy’.
On the table Doggy was up for saving his mate Zared’s dignity. 1-0. Lil’ Jamie, fresh from brand new supremes, struggled with the runt of a table but made it 2-0. Jody’s condition was adjudged to be ‘just enough nicotine to last 10 minutes’ so he fought out a 9 minute win. 3-0. Andy 4-0. Gee 5-0. Andy 6-0. Perhaps the Backalley Boys had yet to get instructions over to their sleeper cells? This was all a bit too easy. A spate of anti-McGoogling made it 6-2, before Stingertime resumed for the final three frames.
Them magnificent men returned to their flying machine to find two bits of paper under their windscreen wipers. One was a reminder of their task from the Kokbangers “Win league or lady lady ladyyyyyyyboy!”. The other was from an anonymous writer. He claimed to be from the Botty Liberation Front and said he’d be in contact to ‘make an offer’. The handwriting was familiar to Dog. Very familiar… (to be continued)
The Story So Far: Back in the year of our lord, 2007, them former playboy heroes turned underworld fugitives, The RAFA Stingers, were embarking on a quest to save an erstwhile colleague. Zared had been kidnapped by mobsters The Bangkok Kokbangers, who subsequently bet huge amounts on a Stingers league title. To avoid seeing the Stinger legend mutated into a ladyboy and put to work on the Bangkok streets, the Stingers had to seal a 4th consecutive title. One week in everything was going to plan…
Week 2. Dog made contact with his team in the days leading up to the second match of the season. He brought more news from the far east. The bookie who had taken the £1,000,000 bet on a Stinger league title had got twitchy in the wake of week 1’s easy win. He had laid off much of the liability to the Kokbangers underworld rivals – The Backalley Boys. Although not so powerful in Bangkok where the Kokbangers ruled supreme, the Backalley Boys had their figures in all sorts of pies in the UK. They pretty much controlled the Gay nightclub scene and with the English pool circuit at the time being gayer than a night out with Clary, Norton and Barrymore, it spelt one thing – trouble. Some of the team couldn’t grasp the importance of this development. Dog explained that every gay in the league would be out to sabotage the Stinger title quest. Anyone with a Pink Punter membership card would be on orders to play their best. By that premise, anyone playing their best MUST be a Pink Punter.
Conspiracy theories were put to one side for the visit to Roman Park Residents Club. But on arrival the paranoia came rushing back. The table was in a foyer. Not even in the bar. What was that about? Had the Backalley Boys ordered it to be moved knowing the Stingers couldn’t survive without alcohol close at hand? On top of that, the Stingers were seeing (or rather not seeing) red balls on a red cloth. Eh? With the Roman Park mob being a few years younger, was this a ploy to gain an advantage in the eyesight stakes? The final straw was that the place was ‘No Smoking’. Once the paramedics had calmed Jody’s epileptic fit and made sure no more convulsions were forthcoming, Chapdog pointed out that they only had a few yards to walk for a swift fag. Jody’s condition subsided to ‘distinctly edgy’.
On the table Doggy was up for saving his mate Zared’s dignity. 1-0. Lil’ Jamie, fresh from brand new supremes, struggled with the runt of a table but made it 2-0. Jody’s condition was adjudged to be ‘just enough nicotine to last 10 minutes’ so he fought out a 9 minute win. 3-0. Andy 4-0. Gee 5-0. Andy 6-0. Perhaps the Backalley Boys had yet to get instructions over to their sleeper cells? This was all a bit too easy. A spate of anti-McGoogling made it 6-2, before Stingertime resumed for the final three frames.
Them magnificent men returned to their flying machine to find two bits of paper under their windscreen wipers. One was a reminder of their task from the Kokbangers “Win league or lady lady ladyyyyyyyboy!”. The other was from an anonymous writer. He claimed to be from the Botty Liberation Front and said he’d be in contact to ‘make an offer’. The handwriting was familiar to Dog. Very familiar… (to be continued)
Wednesday 28 February 2007
1. The Old Biddy With The Mobility Scooter and Other Short Stories
The Story So Far: Life in 2017 is dangerous for the RAFA Stingers. On the run yet still attempting to ply their trade when they can. Life was so much easier at the turn of the century right up until 2007. Zared was kidnapped by mobsters The Bangkok Kokbangers, who subsequently bet huge amounts on a Stingers league title. To avoid seeing the Stinger legend mutated into a ladyboy and put to work on the Bangkok streets, those magnificent men in their flying machines had to seal a 4th consecutive title. Oh and them Kokbangers were gonna pop round for a bit of revenge on the rest of the team if they ‘koked’ it up.
Week 1. The Stingers were understandably nervous as Dog explained the full extent of the Kokbangers threat. So much so that Dog briefly pondered signing up the oblivious Merv and Frank. However if news of that ever reached the captive Zared he’d no doubt be booking himself for the ladyboy ‘make-over’ immediately. And anyhow, there were already two new signings to bed into the team ethic. Gee, previously a villainous Original, had been released on a free transfer. Homeless, wet and looking dishevelled he was found curled up on the front porch of ‘The Shack’. “Please Mr Dog, let me play for you” begged Gee. Dog paused for a minute to think through the request before pulling out a registration form and pen and shouting “Sign here – YES WE’VE GOT FIVE PLAYERS NOW!”. A later version of this story, as told by a deranged madman on magic mushrooms (Guess Whoooooooo!), indicates that Gee was only signed on the orders of the RAFA management. Apparently his prolonged presence on the front porch of the club was preventing ‘The Old Biddy With The Mobility Scooter (TOBWTMS)’ entering. Being a hardened drinker (That’s TOBWTMS, not Gee), they faced financial ruin and were prepared to let Gee sleep under the pool table rather than lose such a customer. That story was debunked as recently as 2012 when TOBWTMS won the women’s 100 metre hurdles at the London Olympics proving that a curled up Gee would have posed no obstacle!
The Stingers other recruit for that opening game was more of a purchase than a signing. By 2007 the Stingers were already dipping their big toes into the murky pool of underworld behaviour. In fact it had all begun some years earlier when they got involved in the trafficking of slaves. Word has it that a young boy called Mark was sold by his parents to Dog and subsequently shackled in his shed for the next 7 years. An escaped ex-slave, who went by the name of Cobley, revealed in a TV documentary “The Evil of Pool Players”, that slave-masters would keep up to half a dozen lads in squalid conditions whilst forcing them to ‘dish up’. The best slaves were allowed some freedom, whilst the rest were either never seen again or found playing at The Herald. The Stingers latest purchase was from the same man that sold Mark. The new slave turned out to be his brother, Jamie, who later became world champion in 2010. Who says slavery is bad?
Week 1’s offering on the pool table was a straightforward affair. A bitch slapping of a newly promoted team was in order, which is actually in the rules you know:
15.1 All newly promoted teams must be bitch-slapped by The RAFA Stingers
Dog was first out the blocks. To the bar that is. Upon realising he had to pot some balls aswell, he got down and errr, potted some balls. Jamie potted some more, ChapDog – fresh an enormous scam involving Insurance companies and Shooters – potted some too. Gee was awoken from under the table and continued the running theme of the evening and not to be left out Jody also joined in. The Red House, for they were the opponents of the evening, reminded us they were in the building by winning the 6th, but Mark put a stop to all the comeback malarkey by making it 6-1. Other frames were won and lost but that didn’t matter to the Kokbangers. They were one step closer to pulling off a massive betting coup and Zared was one step closer to freedom. Legend has it that despite a comfortable victory when the pizzas arrived there was a chilling message spelt out in pepperoni: “Beat Roman Park or You’re Pork, Love BK xxx”. Whatever you say about Perfect Pizza, they certainly gave you a lot of meat for your money.
Week 1. The Stingers were understandably nervous as Dog explained the full extent of the Kokbangers threat. So much so that Dog briefly pondered signing up the oblivious Merv and Frank. However if news of that ever reached the captive Zared he’d no doubt be booking himself for the ladyboy ‘make-over’ immediately. And anyhow, there were already two new signings to bed into the team ethic. Gee, previously a villainous Original, had been released on a free transfer. Homeless, wet and looking dishevelled he was found curled up on the front porch of ‘The Shack’. “Please Mr Dog, let me play for you” begged Gee. Dog paused for a minute to think through the request before pulling out a registration form and pen and shouting “Sign here – YES WE’VE GOT FIVE PLAYERS NOW!”. A later version of this story, as told by a deranged madman on magic mushrooms (Guess Whoooooooo!), indicates that Gee was only signed on the orders of the RAFA management. Apparently his prolonged presence on the front porch of the club was preventing ‘The Old Biddy With The Mobility Scooter (TOBWTMS)’ entering. Being a hardened drinker (That’s TOBWTMS, not Gee), they faced financial ruin and were prepared to let Gee sleep under the pool table rather than lose such a customer. That story was debunked as recently as 2012 when TOBWTMS won the women’s 100 metre hurdles at the London Olympics proving that a curled up Gee would have posed no obstacle!
The Stingers other recruit for that opening game was more of a purchase than a signing. By 2007 the Stingers were already dipping their big toes into the murky pool of underworld behaviour. In fact it had all begun some years earlier when they got involved in the trafficking of slaves. Word has it that a young boy called Mark was sold by his parents to Dog and subsequently shackled in his shed for the next 7 years. An escaped ex-slave, who went by the name of Cobley, revealed in a TV documentary “The Evil of Pool Players”, that slave-masters would keep up to half a dozen lads in squalid conditions whilst forcing them to ‘dish up’. The best slaves were allowed some freedom, whilst the rest were either never seen again or found playing at The Herald. The Stingers latest purchase was from the same man that sold Mark. The new slave turned out to be his brother, Jamie, who later became world champion in 2010. Who says slavery is bad?
Week 1’s offering on the pool table was a straightforward affair. A bitch slapping of a newly promoted team was in order, which is actually in the rules you know:
15.1 All newly promoted teams must be bitch-slapped by The RAFA Stingers
Dog was first out the blocks. To the bar that is. Upon realising he had to pot some balls aswell, he got down and errr, potted some balls. Jamie potted some more, ChapDog – fresh an enormous scam involving Insurance companies and Shooters – potted some too. Gee was awoken from under the table and continued the running theme of the evening and not to be left out Jody also joined in. The Red House, for they were the opponents of the evening, reminded us they were in the building by winning the 6th, but Mark put a stop to all the comeback malarkey by making it 6-1. Other frames were won and lost but that didn’t matter to the Kokbangers. They were one step closer to pulling off a massive betting coup and Zared was one step closer to freedom. Legend has it that despite a comfortable victory when the pizzas arrived there was a chilling message spelt out in pepperoni: “Beat Roman Park or You’re Pork, Love BK xxx”. Whatever you say about Perfect Pizza, they certainly gave you a lot of meat for your money.
Welcome to the year 2017
In 2010, a crack commando pool team was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit (OK, maybe we did it ). They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade (Great Yarmouth Open Prison) to the Milton Keynes underground (you tell me!?). Today, still wanted by the EPA, they survive as pool players of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else wants to play for you, and if you can find them, maybe you could hire the RAFA Stingers.
Ten years ago (2007) the Stingers were just a simple pool team. Yes, simple, they had a joint IQ of 23. No-one could foresee the downfall of Dog Hannibal, Howling Mad Jody, Graham ‘BA’ Bright and Andy ‘Face’ Chapman. Fortunately the other Stingers at the time struck lucky. The McGoogle boys careers were in the ascendancy and both were absent on that fateful night in 2010 when the ‘Yarmouth Incident’ occurred. Big McGoogle was sorting a new property deal – his portfolio of rented accommodation expanding quicker than Dog’s waistline. Mini McGoogle had other commitments following his 1st World 8-Ball title and the subsequent exhibitions that went with it.
February 2007 was perhaps the start of the decent into lawlessness. It came when Dog received an email from the far east. This usually meant news of the globe-trotting drug-smuggling Stinger, Zared. But this email was different. Written in basic English was a message from notorious asian Mafioso types The Bangkok Kokbangers. Dog gulped. He knew of these mean mothers. Illegal betting syndicates were their forte and as he read and re-read the email it was clear that Zared had been caught up in such activities. The crux of it all was that the Kokbangers had wagered a large sum on The Stingers winning a 4th title in a row. To make sure of a return on their investment, they’d kidnapped Zared. No title meant Zared would be turned into a ladyboy and forced into prostitution until half the money was made back. The Kokbangers would then be paying a visit for the remainder…
Next time on StingerBlog, we rewind to February 2007 and the opening night of the season.
Ten years ago (2007) the Stingers were just a simple pool team. Yes, simple, they had a joint IQ of 23. No-one could foresee the downfall of Dog Hannibal, Howling Mad Jody, Graham ‘BA’ Bright and Andy ‘Face’ Chapman. Fortunately the other Stingers at the time struck lucky. The McGoogle boys careers were in the ascendancy and both were absent on that fateful night in 2010 when the ‘Yarmouth Incident’ occurred. Big McGoogle was sorting a new property deal – his portfolio of rented accommodation expanding quicker than Dog’s waistline. Mini McGoogle had other commitments following his 1st World 8-Ball title and the subsequent exhibitions that went with it.
February 2007 was perhaps the start of the decent into lawlessness. It came when Dog received an email from the far east. This usually meant news of the globe-trotting drug-smuggling Stinger, Zared. But this email was different. Written in basic English was a message from notorious asian Mafioso types The Bangkok Kokbangers. Dog gulped. He knew of these mean mothers. Illegal betting syndicates were their forte and as he read and re-read the email it was clear that Zared had been caught up in such activities. The crux of it all was that the Kokbangers had wagered a large sum on The Stingers winning a 4th title in a row. To make sure of a return on their investment, they’d kidnapped Zared. No title meant Zared would be turned into a ladyboy and forced into prostitution until half the money was made back. The Kokbangers would then be paying a visit for the remainder…
Next time on StingerBlog, we rewind to February 2007 and the opening night of the season.
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